Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Love Is Blind, Right?

Since this blog is my go-to place for self therapy, read at your own risk all that I am about to say...and don't say I didn't warn you. (I'm half-kidding, sort of)

It's never an easy thing to see your hopes and dreams come crashing down around you. It's not easy on anyone involved. I am at the moment paralyzed by fear, crushed by disappointment, a little bit dazed and a lot confused. It seems my 15 year relationship is on the edge of disaster--maybe even already toppled over the edge and into the water. My husband has 'had enough'. He's ready and even willing to leave me. To walk out on all that we have built together. His reason? He's 'resigned himself to failure' within our marriage, because of course, he's failed at everything else. (his words, not mine)

I know that I have not been the perfect wife. Not even close. I have taken for granted a lot of things in this marriage. I have not given when I should, and I have taken away things that I shouldn't. I have said hurtful things and not apologized--or even wanted to apologize. I have yelled, screamed and thrown things at him. I have forgiven him for things, only to take that forgiveness away and live in the bitterness that consumes me.

I have hurt him.

He has hurt me.

We keep hurting each other.

When I vowed to love this man many eons ago, I suppose I was clueless to what that meant. Clueless, but in love. Here I was, barely 20 years old and still reeling from a tumultous few years in my teens--and here he was--older, and I thought, wiser. My prince. My Knight in shining armour. The man that would sweep me off my feet and into a world of forever happiness. I thought that I would always be happy and in love with him.

Then, life happened. Real life. Real hurts. But, still real love.

So, as we go through the motions of this off again/on again marriage, I don't know what to think. I don't even know what to feel.

Yesterday was a milestone of sorts in all of this mess. The pain that was expressed by both of us was unbearable. Never has my husband mentioned divorce...until yesterday. He's always maintained that it was never an option and that we could get through anything, together. Now, he's not so sure. Our marriage is jaded by many things. Painful things. Those of you that know us, know those things, and I don't care to repeat them here.

We're at a crossroads. Time will tell. The future seems so uncertain.

More later... (sorry the picture is dork here)

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