Saturday, July 28, 2007

A Glimmer

Although I have no idea where it's coming from, I can feel a teeny tiny glimmer of hope coming from way down deep within! The other night, R and I had yet another ugly fight after (and during) trying to deal with E's latest rage. I ended up loading up all of the kids to get them out of the house so R could calm down...when I returned 20 minutes later, R was gone. He returned several hours later and we talked until the early morning hours. He admitted he could see himself 'turning into his father' and expressed utter disdain over that fact. He says he doesn't want to be like his father AT ALL in any respect. I can't blame him for that, I don't want him to be like his dad either! Anyway to make a long story a little bit shorter, we prayed together and it seemed like that brought R a some relief from his angst. So, that is where the glimmer comes from I suppose. (read on to understand more)

I have always been a bit of a 'reluctant daughter' to my Heavenly Father. Not quite sure one way or the other if all of this gobbledygook called scripture is true or not. I have denied my husband of what he has begged me pray with him, for all of our 14 years together. I don't know why I am so uncomfortable with even the thought of praying out loud with him. I guess it's because it might make me feel vulnerable? ( to what I'm not sure) Truth be told, I have heard that still small (and sometimes not so small) voice of the Holy Spirit telling me to "PRAY WITH YOUR HUSBAND"! And every time I almost gather up the courage to do that, my mouth becomes dry, my lips seal, and it feels like I have no voice at all. I can't bring myself to speak out loud the words that are begging to to be spoken. Words that I know could bring life and hope to our marriage and family.

That being said, I think that because I did pray with him, that is where the glimmer comes from!

All is not well and good in our world, not by a long shot, but I've got more hope for our future than I have in a long time.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

11 Years Ago Today

You know the old saying that when you're a mom, "The days sometimes go by slow, but the years fly by"? I can personally attest to that today. My very first-born son turned 11 years old today. He is changing into a young man (if only in body so far, the common sense or altruism hasn't kicked in yet) right before my very eyes.

The memories of his birth flooded me today....with sweat, blood (lots of it!) and tears, I gave birth to a precious little boy at 8:42pm on July 25, 1996. He weighed in at 8lbs 2oz and was 20" long. He had a head FULL of dark blond hair and the cutest little dimpled chin. I still stand in awe that the Lord would bless *me* with such abundance and so freely at that. (seeing as we have 5 of those such blessings!) Happy Birthday to my sweet son....I love you dearly for you are most precious to me, Daddy and most importantly to your Father God. I am sorry that I have not always been the mom that you need and deserve---I hope that you will forgive me that and accept that I love you with an undying love that knows no ends! You will always captivate my are my first-born wonderful son!

Monday, July 23, 2007

The Countdown Has Begun!

TWO MORE WEEKS! Did you hear that?? I said TWO MORE WEEKS! All of this excitement comes from the mere fact that school starts again in two weeks (from today!!!). I am almost giddy just thinking about it :)

Now don't get me wrong, I love my children dearly, but one can only take so much bickering, teasing and downright fighting. ( 9 weeks is all I can handle and not very well at that) I have 2 at day camp all this week, so that helps, but then again, 2 others are upstairs at this very moment trying to dismember each other and screaming like loony banshees...

I am actually looking forward to going shopping for school supplies/shoes/clothes--even though I know I will have to fork over hundreds to Super Target and to the school itself! Even the thought of packing 3 school lunches every day is sounding quite divine. At least I won't have to hear the grumblings of my little cherubs complaining about the 'healthy' food in their brand-spanking-new Bento boxes ( and all of their friends are eating Tasty Cakes and Cheetos) because they will be at SCHOOL!

When I home-schooled the kids, a 'public school' friend of mine would always ask how I could stand having the kids home all day, and not getting even a breather....she once or twice (or three times) said "Once you get a taste of the freedom of having your kids in school, you'll NEVER go back"! I always thought she was wrong ( and told her so ), but now, after having the kids in school, I swear, I can almost hear the voices of angels singing in my head when I pull away from dropping them off....of course, I can't hear the singing very clearly, because my younger two not in school children begin their fussing and whining right about then! But still, I know I have a day a little less busy and a tad less stressful because the wonderful and talented teachers at our little school out on the prairie, have my children for the majority of the day :) (May God bless those precious souls!)

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

A Slow Simmer

The ugly anger and rage I was feeling in the last couple of days, seems to have been quelled for the moment. I know it can resurface in an instant, so I am trying really hard just to hold it together.

I've made it through the majority of today without yelling at the kids or saying mean things through gritted teeth and bloodshot eyes (bloodshot from nearly stroking out from stress). I wish I could say I was proud of that, but I'm not. It's not something to celebrate by any means. My true victory will come when I can wake up not angry and go to bed feeling sane and intact.
I guess this is a one-day-at-a-time journey...

I feel bad (almost) for not being very supportive to R lately. Yes, I am glad that he got out of the job that was stressing him out so much, but then again, I'm not sure how good of a move it was to go into car sales. He's in it a week and a half now, and not one car sold. He keeps saying that he got 'this lead' and 'that lead', but heck, the way I look at it, leads aren't going to pay the bills! I know he is discouraged by me, but I can't seem to muster up any positivity and give it to him. My fault, I know. I know in my heart of heart that giving him the encouragement he so desperately needs would do him a world of good, but again, I just can't muster it up. What is wrong with me anyway?? It feels almost like I am just waiting for this marriage to fail, instead of working toward helping us survive. My heart is in 'protective/self-preservation' mode, and it's hard to do it any other way. I have holed up my own soul to hopefully avoid anymore pain.

I have been keeping my mind occupied with my new found desire to exercise and lose weight. I have been walking 2 miles 5 days a week and following (for the most part) a weight loss plan. If my track record holds the same, I will give up on the walking AND the diet here shortly :)

Monday, July 16, 2007

The Fire Is Burning...

I am beyond angry today. Everything is setting me off...mostly child #1, #2, #3 and #4...and sometimes child #5. (spot a trend here?) I have been gritting my teeth in hopes that the daggers of my words will stay within my mouth and not lash out their destructivness at them. Seems I must have a hole in my teeth, because some angry words have leaked out.

Most days, I don't even enjoy being a mom. I can't enjoy my own children. All because of this pervasive anger inside me. How sad is that? And how did that happen anyway?? I prayed for each and every one of my children and the Lord blessed me with can I take that for granted? I can see the fear in their eyes when I yell out in anger. I have seen the smallest one(and the biggest, and all the ones in between) jump when I yell, and it breaks my heart to know that I caused them fear just by yelling, and yet, I do it again.

Anger is such a destructive, driving force and I am not sure why I have it bubbling up out of me day in and day out. I have prayed, pleaded and begged the Lord to help me and to release me from this terrible stronghold that I have in my own temper. It seems my prayers fall upon deaf ears...or maybe the lines of communications between God and I are severed because of my stupidity and stubborness. I question if I am even saved...

Please Lord, help me.