Monday, July 16, 2007

The Fire Is Burning...

I am beyond angry today. Everything is setting me off...mostly child #1, #2, #3 and #4...and sometimes child #5. (spot a trend here?) I have been gritting my teeth in hopes that the daggers of my words will stay within my mouth and not lash out their destructivness at them. Seems I must have a hole in my teeth, because some angry words have leaked out.

Most days, I don't even enjoy being a mom. I can't enjoy my own children. All because of this pervasive anger inside me. How sad is that? And how did that happen anyway?? I prayed for each and every one of my children and the Lord blessed me with can I take that for granted? I can see the fear in their eyes when I yell out in anger. I have seen the smallest one(and the biggest, and all the ones in between) jump when I yell, and it breaks my heart to know that I caused them fear just by yelling, and yet, I do it again.

Anger is such a destructive, driving force and I am not sure why I have it bubbling up out of me day in and day out. I have prayed, pleaded and begged the Lord to help me and to release me from this terrible stronghold that I have in my own temper. It seems my prayers fall upon deaf ears...or maybe the lines of communications between God and I are severed because of my stupidity and stubborness. I question if I am even saved...

Please Lord, help me.

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