Tuesday, July 17, 2007

A Slow Simmer

The ugly anger and rage I was feeling in the last couple of days, seems to have been quelled for the moment. I know it can resurface in an instant, so I am trying really hard just to hold it together.

I've made it through the majority of today without yelling at the kids or saying mean things through gritted teeth and bloodshot eyes (bloodshot from nearly stroking out from stress). I wish I could say I was proud of that, but I'm not. It's not something to celebrate by any means. My true victory will come when I can wake up not angry and go to bed feeling sane and intact.
I guess this is a one-day-at-a-time journey...

I feel bad (almost) for not being very supportive to R lately. Yes, I am glad that he got out of the job that was stressing him out so much, but then again, I'm not sure how good of a move it was to go into car sales. He's in it a week and a half now, and not one car sold. He keeps saying that he got 'this lead' and 'that lead', but heck, the way I look at it, leads aren't going to pay the bills! I know he is discouraged by me, but I can't seem to muster up any positivity and give it to him. My fault, I know. I know in my heart of heart that giving him the encouragement he so desperately needs would do him a world of good, but again, I just can't muster it up. What is wrong with me anyway?? It feels almost like I am just waiting for this marriage to fail, instead of working toward helping us survive. My heart is in 'protective/self-preservation' mode, and it's hard to do it any other way. I have holed up my own soul to hopefully avoid anymore pain.

I have been keeping my mind occupied with my new found desire to exercise and lose weight. I have been walking 2 miles 5 days a week and following (for the most part) a weight loss plan. If my track record holds the same, I will give up on the walking AND the diet here shortly :)

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