Saturday, May 31, 2008

Day 9

I am pretty sure the ring of dirt in my bathtub is permanent. Out of the 4 bathrooms in our house, for some odd reason, my tub is the tub of choice when it comes to washing away the willies...and the kids always leave a gritty mess in the bottom. And now that summer is here, the itty bitty toes are especially dirty. Couple the dirt with the remains of slathered on sunscreen and you've got one hell of a mess.

I am really hoping Sam doesn't come down with a nasty case of salmonella in the next day or so--he helped me whip a dozen eggs this morning for breakfast and before I could stop him, he lifted the whip to his mouth and took a great big lick. Ewww. I'm kidding about the salmonella thing as he's ingested so much raw cookie dough in his day that I'm sure he's immune to it! (as is his mom!:)

I think I'll call it a night and head upstairs for dinner...the troops are getting restless because they are starving, of course. The plan is to watch 'Untraceable' after the little ones are sound asleep, but then again, I was invited to a birthday bash with some girlfriends tonight--and it's at a bar, so maybe I'll head there instead!


Friday, May 30, 2008

Day 8

Since I started my back-to-school-countdown on the last day of school, today marks one week...or 8 days, but who's counting?

I am running on fumes right now, so I apologize for grammatical errors and boringness. (see?)

Today was actually a really good day! It started out with a trip to the doctor for Eli and Caleb's camp physicals. Then to the grocery store for produce, and of course, Starbucks. Then to Wal-Mart for yet more groceries, 2 birthday gifts, and 3 prescriptions. I'm sure you're thinking that I have gone a little more off my rocker--hello? Since when does going to the store(s) make for a great day? Nope, it was after all that the fun began :)

The kids and I were invited to a sponaneous 'water fun' party at a friend's house up the street. The kids had blast squirting each other with water guns and tossing around water balloons...but, I think the moms (all 3 of us) had the most fun. I'll just say that 3 pitchers of frozen mudslides were involved. How could there NOT be fun?

To top it all off, one of the moms I was with today won tickets to see a showing of Sex and The City. AND, she offered up her son and husband to watch ALL of my kids! A free movie and childcare? Yay me! I've never been a huge fan of the Sex and The City series, but the movie was a complete hoot and I REALLY needed some great big gleeful belly laughs.

I am happy to report a very decent day here. Now, let's hope for more of the same tomorrow...

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Day 7: One week Down, Almost

Tomorrow marks a week since the last school bell rang. Wow. It's been unreal. Really!

It's been a pretty good day so far today. We went to a friends house to hang out all morning and the kids had a blast playing with the other kids. Said 'friend' (I really don't know her all that well) has 4 kids and seems just as, if not more, dysfunctional than me! Score! Just kidding...really, it's nice to know that I am not the only mom that goes a little crazy sometimes.

I went to a financial counselor yesterday to talk about getting onto a debt management program. We went over all of the necessary information and at the end, the counselor said that in her opinion, we would be "better off filing for bankruptcy". Turns out (as if I didn't already know) that we are in the hole almost $1800 every month. There is no way I can make that up on my own unless I work full time to come up with the deficit and then work a part time job to pay for daycare while I work full time! It really feels like we are trapped with no real way out. When I told hubby what I was told, I could tell he was feeling really bad about it. He knows that his getting fired from his well paying job over 2 years ago put us in this tailspin, so I did not mention it again. Really, I have learned that it does no good to rub that in his face.

Ironic thing is, it will cost us $1200+ to go through a bankruptcy attorney. How weird is that--'We know you're broke enough to have to file bankruptcy, so fork over the money so we can file for you'. Ah...whatever.

Life goes on, right?

Signing off as the kids are on the move and are yelling the roof off the house.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Day 6: Unoriginal, I Know

I know I said a few days back that I wouldn't number all of my posts this summer, but I think I'll take that back. Besides, it wouldn't be a countdown without numbers, now would it?

Today was a looooonnnng day. I think all of the fog and drizzle we woke up to made it a weird day from the start. Not much of record went on though, unless you count Abbey (the dog) running away at least 4 times. I swear that dog drinks rocket fuel, because she is super hard to catch when she's gone off on a 'run'. I don't know what she finds so appealing about galavanting around the neighborhood--at first, I thought maybe she had a love interest, but seeing as she darts in a different direction each time, I doubt it. Oh well, at least the kids got a ton of exercise chasing after her today.

Sam colored all over the wall and himself this afternoon. I was quite shocked to see him sporting hot pink and purple stripes and swirls all over his face. Hmmm, come to think of it, maybe Gracie did the coloring? Couple that with the green clay they smeared onto the wall, and I suppose I'll have to make a day of it to get the cleaning done. Magic erasers are the best invention. Ever.

Signing off to get back to life...

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Day 5...Really?

It seems like the kids have been home for more like FIFTY days...not just five! I can't imagine how long it'll feel when they've actually been home for fifty days. Repeat after me: I love my kids. I love being a mom. I love my kids. I love being a mom. I love summer vacation, uh, wait, that's taking it a little too far :)
I do love my kids though--and I do love being a mom.

I worked today, so I got to have an 'escape' for a while. Things were pretty calm when I got home as well. Sam was sleeping, Gracie was at the neighbors house, Eli was up the street at a friends--but, never fear, Caleb and Josh were here, noisy enough to make up for the absence of the rest of the kids. It was happy, joyful, getting along noise though, so I can't complain. It's almost nice to not have so many things to do and places to be. Sometimes doing nothing and moving at a snail's pace is actually a good thing!

Hubby was off to work within minutes of my return from work, so not much said there. We are hanging tough and muddling through this mess of our lives and marriage. I have to make an effort to choose my words to hubby more carefully, but I know that effort will pay off HUGE in the long run. It really shouldn't be hard to say nice,respectful things to one another, should it? No, it shouldn't...and fortunately, it's getting easier as the days go by.

Signing off to finish up the dishes and laundry--and hopefully kick back and watch a movie called 'Bella'.

Tune in tomorrow, for more of these are the Days Of Our Lives :)

Monday, May 26, 2008

Day 4: All Out War

Sleepovers are evil. Maybe it's not so much the sleepover itself, but rather the day after when the kid is so tired from not sleeping enough that he's a complete bear. Caleb slept over at a friends house on Saturday night, and he came home a complete emotional wreck. He went to bed at 4pm and didn't get up until this morning at 6:30.
Funny (not!) thing is though, he's still cranky.

The boys have been battling it out all day. Push came to shove between Eli and Caleb, and the PlayStation ended up being hit by a flying pillow and knocked to the ground, damaged of course. The look of terror in Caleb's eyes when he saw what he had done was almost enough to not punish him. Almost. What is it with these boys and their fighting? Somebody, anybody, PLEASE tell me it gets better? And if it doesn't get any better, please LIE to me and tell me it does.

Summer camp is less than 2 weeks away...summer camp is less than 2 weeks away...summer camp is less than 2 weeks away... (said in a chant like manner)

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Day 3,403--I mean, Day 3

It's Sunday. Again. We all know how pleasant Sundays are around here. It started off as usual, bright and early, with me anyway. Hubby got to lounge in bed much longer than the rest of us, of course. I dealt with making breakfast, changing diapers, breaking up fights and cleaning it all up--by myself. Oh joy of joys.

Darn it. There I go again, complaining. I guess just nevermind the sarcasm in the paragraph above. It's just my frayed nerves talking. Sorry Hubby, I do love you, but you are driving me crazy.

Anyway, hubby was in one of his 'moods', right off the bat, so I packed up the kids and went to the park. It was all well and good until 10 minutes into spinning on the merry-go-round Josh announces that he has to go to the bathroom. I quickly scanned the park for a Porta-John or even a tree...none. So, off we went. I was feeling sort of adventurous, and quite honestly not wanting to go home to face He-Man, so I made the decision to stop off at Taco Bell for a bite to eat and for the use of their 'facilities'. Amazingly, the kids were actually very well behaved except when Gracie and Josh were doing flips on the handrails by the cashier.
Even Sam sat, in his own little way, and ate his cheese roll-up in peace.

Since lunch went so well, I decided to take the kids to the movies. I KNOW! You must be thinking the worst of me...seeing as I've gone crazy and all. I did think ahead and made the decison to take Sam home to nap with Hubby and not take him though. I'm not that crazy. The rest of us went to the local $1.50 theater and saw 'College Road Trip'. It was quite funny, although I could not get Josh to sit still in his seat. He would not stop tapping his feet on the ground and kicking the (empty) seat in front of him. I also could not get Gracie to stop stealing candy from her brothers and then whining about it when the protested. BUT, the experience wasn't half bad, especially when you compare it to other outings we have had.

Hubby is still a grouch, even though he won't admit it, so I am hiding out in the basement for now.

I suppose I'd better get something going for dinner, or more complaints will be voiced here shortly...

Keep praying for me and my sanity! How many days left until August 11th?

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Day 2

Don't worry, I won't number all of the days of summer vacation. I just couldn't think up anything else to call today's entry.

I let the kids stay up really late last night--I have no clue when they even went to bed anyway. I headed up to bed at around 9pm, and I told the that they could stay up as late as they wanted as long as they didn't BUG me. I fell asleep around 10pm, but only slept until 2am, when hubby got home. No clue why I couldn't fall back to sleep, I just know I couldn't. I hate that.

We attempted to take the kids garage-saling this morning. Big. Fat. Flop. I won't even go into details, other than to say that there were tears shed, mean words said and not much 'saling' to be had. It was miserable. Never will I do that again. This weekend anyway.

Hubby is in a really bad mood today--I'm steering clear of him as much as possible. And I thought *my* PMS was bad!

My sleepless night is catching up with me. I think I'll go crack a cold one (oh come on, it's just Diet Pepsi) and sit in the sun. Maybe that's not such a great idea as the kids are nailing each other with water balloons right now...


Friday, May 23, 2008

Day 1...Sort Of

The kids had a half day of school today, so I guess 'officially' it's not really day 1 of summer vacation, but for all intents and purposes, we'll just say it is.

I had to pull myself away from school today--I just didn't want to face the fact that it's over and I am on my 'own' until August 11. I LOVE all of the kids teachers, and I appreciate each and every one of them tremendously. I suppose I probably take advantage of dropping the kids off every morning and peeling out of the parking lot...and that 'advantage taking' really makes itself apparent come the end of school.

Oh my...the palpitations of my heart are numerous today.

Holy anxiety Batman!

I am so hoping I can give the kids a wonderful, memorable summer. A summer full of fun and relaxation, not of fighting, yelling and stress. But, seeing as how bad it's gone since their release at noon today, (and it's only 3:15pm now) I'm a little nervous. You all know I'm just kidding, right? I'm not really that inept! (ha ha!)

I'm off now to wash and put away school uniforms, pull out shorts and swimsuits, and stow the lunch boxes in the closet.

Wish me luck. Pray for me. Whatever you want to do. (really, seriously, pretty please?)

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

How Much For A Ticket To Kalamazoo?

The end of the school year is fast approaching...T-minus 3 days. O.M.G. (that's oh my God, goodness, gosh, etc, if you didn't know)

My notion about the trampoline being the best thing to happen since string cheese, has gone to pot. If the kids aren't fighting about whose turn it is to jump, they are pushing each other around or pinching fingers in the zipper of the enclosure. And all of this mayhem has happened between the hours of 6:30am-7:30am and from 4pm-bedtime. School isn't even out yet...but, soon, there will be more hours and plenty of opportunity for insane amounts of arguing and pool noodle fighting to be had. Lucky, lucky me.

Since our weather went from Winter to Summer overnight, I am remembering what it's like to pluck cups, socks and popsicle sticks from the backyard. Along with the sidewalk chalk melted into puddles and used for paint on every possible surface, comes the trail of dirt from the back door to the kitchen. And bathroom. And living room. Oh hell, it's all OVER the place. Alright, I'm complaining again...stop me now!

On a lighter, not so pessimistic note, I had a pretty tame evening tonight. My dad took the older three to see the new Indiana Jones movie, so it was just Gracie, Sam and I. They ate cereal for dinner, colored, played in the dirt,bounced on the trampoline, had a bath and went off to bed. Very nice.

I just came off of working the last nine days in a row with only one day off. I am totally beat, but I have to say, I will SO miss the doctor's office that I was at. I loved working there, and I am sad that it's over. Sometimes it bites to be a temp.

I'm going to shove off and go to bed now...but first, I think I'll find out how much for that ticket to Kalamazoo :)

Friday, May 16, 2008

A Cracked House

Yes, I realize that most of my posts lately have been mounds of complaints about my life...and seriously, I doubt that will change. I'd rather come here and air my complaints than take them out on my unsuspecting family and friends.

Something Josh did yesterday led me to have a dialog with myself...yes, I told you before I was losing it...anyway, I was sweeping my ever dirty floors and I kept hearing a tapping on the house. It went on for a while and I finally figured out that it was coming from the backyard. So, I decided to take a peek out the back door, and there I found Josh and Sam in the window well. The tapping sound was Josh using a piece of re-bar (NO clue where he got that) to chip away at the foundation of the house. I gasped, and shrieked at him to STOP doing that--he just looked at me and said something to the effect of leave him alone, it's just cement, no big deal. I had to explain to him that he was in fact chipping away at the foundation of our house--and the foundation is what essentially holds the house up. He disagreed with me (of course) on that and said that "No, it's the DIRT under the cement that holds the house up"!

This situation got me to thinking about what I have done to the foundation of my marriage and family by holding onto all of the bitterness and resent that I have in my heart toward my husband. He is after all, the foundation of our family, and I have been chipping away at him for nearly 3 years. Just another realization that was given to me to sink in and reinforce that I need to let go of all of the ugliness that harboring bitterness brings.

Changing subjects...

I woke up at the crack of dawn today to rush downstairs to the computer. I just HAD to see if our economic stimulus check had been deposited. I anxiously typed in our account information and then held my breath while it loaded. Thankfully, it was there. It was $500 less than I had been expecting, but hey, free money is free money! Wal-Mart was happy to see us coming this morning. Tomorrow, the kids will be bouncing on a brand new trampoline.

Better bouncing on that than bouncing off the walls :)

I've worked every day this week and am on the schedule at hospice this Sunday as well. Things are going pretty well though--Josh's scalp is healing well and we've had no new ER visits. Can't beat that!

Gotta go...I'm tired!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

At The Stroke Of Midnight

Ah yes...Mother's Day is here! As a matter of fact, I ushered in this marvelous day sitting in the driveway in the van, while Saturday turned to Sunday--right at midnight. I wasn't alone in the driveway though. Nope, not at all. I was with Hubby, Josh and Gracie. I was tired, cranky and ready to go to bed--after all, we'd just spent almost 3 hours in the emergency department with Josh. Long story short, Sam threw a hand weight at Josh, it nailed him in the head, causing a laceration to his scalp, which had to be glued back together with an entire tube of Dermabond. I'm still cleaning blood out of the carpet.

Needless to say, the day didn't start out on the right foot, and it pretty much stayed that way. My marvelous day of being doted upon hand and foot didn't come to pass. (never does!) I did get a pretty good gift though. A clean house. Never mind that I had to clean it myself. Happy Mother's Day!

I'll make this short and sweet...I'm still tired and cranky.

Can you tell?

G' night.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Eyes Wide Open

Finally. We talked. Long. Hard. With tears and heartache...but in the end, some laughter was thrown in too.

Late last night during our conversation, I came to the stark realization that if I don't come to my senses and start treating my husband like a human being, I will lose him. Some realization huh? It's not that I didn't know that, but I have been living in such bitterness and resent, that I guess I didn't care. I have beaten him down into little more than pulp with my anger and unforgiveness, and for the first time I think ever, I saw the pain in him. Okay, I more than saw it, I felt it.

I have been so selfish in my pain for so long, that I failed to see what I was doing to him with that pain. I brought my husband to the point of feeling hopeless. Like a loser. A failure.

True, what happened in our marriage/family almost 3 years ago was completely life altering...but, that alteration has been played out all this time, instead of being truly forgiven and let go of, like it should have been. Mistakes were made. Hearts were broken. Trust was all but shattered. Still, it's gone on far too long.

While I silently contemplated all that has transpired, my heart broke into a million shards...not broken because of my pain, but because of his.

I am so sorry my love...yes, you are truly my love. I have hurt you ten times more than you should have put up with. I can only hope that we can rebuild what has been broken and begin to love each other with all that we are again. I accept your apology for your part in this pain...the apology you have given me over and over again in these past years--and I ask that you accept mine. Truly.

All is not lost.

There is still hope.

We have a long road ahead of us...healing and growing.

The best years of our lives are yet to come.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Love Is Blind, Right?

Since this blog is my go-to place for self therapy, read at your own risk all that I am about to say...and don't say I didn't warn you. (I'm half-kidding, sort of)

It's never an easy thing to see your hopes and dreams come crashing down around you. It's not easy on anyone involved. I am at the moment paralyzed by fear, crushed by disappointment, a little bit dazed and a lot confused. It seems my 15 year relationship is on the edge of disaster--maybe even already toppled over the edge and into the water. My husband has 'had enough'. He's ready and even willing to leave me. To walk out on all that we have built together. His reason? He's 'resigned himself to failure' within our marriage, because of course, he's failed at everything else. (his words, not mine)

I know that I have not been the perfect wife. Not even close. I have taken for granted a lot of things in this marriage. I have not given when I should, and I have taken away things that I shouldn't. I have said hurtful things and not apologized--or even wanted to apologize. I have yelled, screamed and thrown things at him. I have forgiven him for things, only to take that forgiveness away and live in the bitterness that consumes me.

I have hurt him.

He has hurt me.

We keep hurting each other.

When I vowed to love this man many eons ago, I suppose I was clueless to what that meant. Clueless, but in love. Here I was, barely 20 years old and still reeling from a tumultous few years in my teens--and here he was--older, and I thought, wiser. My prince. My Knight in shining armour. The man that would sweep me off my feet and into a world of forever happiness. I thought that I would always be happy and in love with him.

Then, life happened. Real life. Real hurts. But, still real love.

So, as we go through the motions of this off again/on again marriage, I don't know what to think. I don't even know what to feel.

Yesterday was a milestone of sorts in all of this mess. The pain that was expressed by both of us was unbearable. Never has my husband mentioned divorce...until yesterday. He's always maintained that it was never an option and that we could get through anything, together. Now, he's not so sure. Our marriage is jaded by many things. Painful things. Those of you that know us, know those things, and I don't care to repeat them here.

We're at a crossroads. Time will tell. The future seems so uncertain.

More later... (sorry the picture is dork here)

Monday, May 5, 2008

A Big Belly Blaugh

I can not think of anything more annoying than when you’re taking a shower and someone flushes the toilet just as you lather up and the water pressure goes from hot and hard to freezing cold and barely a drizzle.

Oh! Wait! Yes I can!

When people try to come up with cute/annoying little sayings with the word (or part of the word) “blog” in it!



"I'm blogstipated!"

Am I the only one who finds this blonnoying? I swear, I’m not trying to be blogstrovsial, or a blitch, those cute little word manipulations do not normally bother me, but lately, I’ve been seeing them every where and I swear, if I read one more post containing a blog-word, I may consider bloverdosing to commit blogiside.(SO kidding!)

It felt good to let that out, I just hope I didn’t bloffend anyone.

Bloving on…

I am tired today. Tired. Want me to say it again? Tired! Weird thing is, I was home by 9:30pm from work because I got sent home early. (no, nothing I did wrong, just the census was too low to justify having a million staff) My body feels really sluggish...must be from the Advil PM I took at 10:30 last night. I like how it helps me to fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer, but I HATE how it hangs out in my body the next day leaving me in a trance.

I am meeting a friend for lunch today, so hopefully that will snap me out of it--I really hope so because I have a ton of errands to run later this afternoon. No time for naps!

Snoooooozzzzzzzzze. That's me. I wish.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Dysfunction Junction

Sometimes I wonder if we're the only family on God's green earth that is as dysfunctional as we are. I'm sure not, but when stuck in the thick of it, it sure seems that way. The 'outside' world becomes distant and hazy...a far reach. And really, it makes me feel so alone. Funny, because you'd think having a family of 7 would make me feel as far from alone as the east is from the west.

I have such high hopes for my children and my family as a whole. I pray that my hopes become a reality, but more than that, I pray that we can all just get along! The arguing starts with the rising sun and continues until all eyes are closed again at night. I don't remember arguing with my brother constantly, nor giving my parents such a hard time. I guess my parents were just better at parenting than I am. What the heck is wrong with me?


Caleb has been looking through my high school yearbooks for the last hour or so. He came to me wondering why I wasn't in them. He said he looked up all the names with S and N and he couldn't find me anywhere. I had to remind him that my last name didn't start with an N then, it started with an F. Oh yeah he said, you and dad weren't married then!

Gotta run...I'm wearing my working girl hat today from 3-11:30, so I have to put on my chef hat for a bit and make the kids lunches for tomorrow.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Humiliation:Over The Top

I should have known better, but I suppose I was delusional, or I just severely overestimated my children and how they handle themselves in public as a whole.
I really wanted to get Eli's haircut this past Thursday and cheap-o-cuts was having a $4.99 haircut extravaganza. So, after loading up in the school parking lot, we went for that haircut. Bad idea. Bad, bad idea. I can't remember the last time I was so embarrassed by my children...okay, I can remember, I just don't want to. But this, this was a drive-mom-into-a-chair-in-tears kind of embarrassment.

First off, Sam saw a canister full of these little rubber hairbrushes on the counter, and he wanted one. Now. When I thwarted his attempt to scale the counter and grab the entire canister, a tantrum ensued. A loud, kicking and screaming "You meanie!" tantrum. At this point, all that I got were some knowing looks and a few chuckles from the other patrons. After all, the kid is 2 and 2 year olds are famous for throwing tantrums.

The most embarrassing moment happened when Josh took a paper color wheel (or whatever is was) off the shelf and began flinging in around like a Frisbee. People were ducking so as not to be hit in the head with it. I sternly told him to put it back. Right now. He looked at me with his cockeyed blank stare and continued to throw the thing around. I again told him to stop. Same blank stare. Behavior continued. Okay, so now I was getting REALLY mad. I leaped up to beat the crap out of him make him stand up and put the wheel back. I took his hand and pulled him out of his seat. Well, Josh very dramatically threw himself about 2 feet away onto the floor--then he looked up at me and said " You THREW me! YOU did that to me"! Immediately, the people in the other chairs that had been 'reading' their magazines, looked up at ME in disgust and gave me a look that was so disapproving. I just wanted to walk out the door and leave them all there, but instead I sat back down in my chair and cried. I doubt I will EVER step foot back in that place again.

Long story short, haircut was done, I lost more of my sanity and my dignity.

Maybe when the kids graduate from college I'll be able to take them out into public again and not fear humiliation.

That will be the day.