Tuesday, April 29, 2008

A Run For My Money

I swear Gracie suffers from a not so rare form of Preschooler PMS. Funny thing is though, she doesn't cycle through it and suffer just one week a month. Rather, she suffers each and every day to some degree. I can't figure this girl out. Either she really does suffer from it, or she's just severely 'behaviorally challenged'. She won't/can't/doesn't listen to me. At all. If I tell her not to do something, she does it. If I tell her to do something, she won't do it. Example: I told her in very clear terms to NOT hit her brother. She looked at me, looked at him, looked back at me and hit him...and this is just one of the many examples I could give, but I will spare you the details, my gentle readers. I will say though, that I am seriously pulling my hair out over her behavior--and I don't know what to do to make her listen to me. And for the record, she won't listen to her Dad either.

I have resorted to carrying around a white, nylon spoon in my purse--pulling it out as needed. And yes, even in public. I ignore the gasps and stares from onlookers, you know, the ones with perfect children, and just carry about my business. The girl needs the discipline no matter if we're at home or not, and I'm not afraid to give it. Sam has been getting a swat or two as well for spitting out his tongue at me and telling me "No way" when I ask him to do something. Oy...these kids are certainly giving me a run for my money.

If you ever wondered if I was crazy, you don't have to wonder any longer...it's a given, I AM! I have completed my application to become a gestational surrogate. A friend of mine is on her third surrogate pregnancy, and the more I talk to her about it, the more intrigued I am about the whole process. I love being pregnant. I love giving birth. As a matter of fact, I long to be pregnant again, BUT, I am not ready to be pregnant and bring another baby home. And how cool would it be to give the gift of a family to some pretty special people? Getting paid very well for it is just the icing on the cake, but I would still consider doing it even without the prospect of payment. So,color me crazy, but I think I am going to go for it!

Gotta run...it's Little Gym night for Caleb and Josh, my gymnastics superstars :)

Monday, April 28, 2008

Must Be Something In The Air

I have a headache. It's much better than it was earlier today, thanks in part to a bowl of cheese tortellini and a nice big glass of wine. Oh, and Motrin. But strangely, now 4 of the kids are telling me that their heads hurt too. Eli, Caleb, Josh and Gracie are all whining and rubbing their heads. Even Sam jumped on board and told me he has a "hegache" too. Hopefully, full bellies and a dose of Motrin will cure them. It had better not be a blasted virus.

I worked again today at hospice. I haven't been there for 2 weeks. In those 2 weeks, 15 of the 17 patients I cared for in shifts past died or were discharged home to be with their families. One of my favorite patients died today, and another one was dying at the time I was getting off shift. Man, sometimes this job bites. For those wondering about the baby that I was caring for--his parents decided to take him home and care for him there. Thank God. And I am glad to know he is still living, and hopefully bringing his family much joy, even in the midst of their pain.

I am starting to fill with anxiety lately. No, not over work or money, (well, that too) but over the fact that school gets out in four weeks. Summer vacation is almost here. My kids can't even get along for the 5 hours they are together after school before bedtime. I can't fathom how much they are going to argue for 9 whole weeks. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. I have grand plans for this summer...CAMP! Granted, it's only a week, but, something is better than nothing. Hanging onto dreams of summer camp. Oh, and VBS! Maybe I'll sign them up for every Vacation Bible School around the city. Or not, since I can't afford the gas to get them there.

It's late(ish) and I need to get kids cracking on homework and brushing teeth. I am SO glad that Josh only has ONE more night of tutoring--it's getting really old not being able to get dinner on the table until 7:30.


Sunday, April 27, 2008

Out Of The Mouth The Heart Speaks

We've all heard that little tidbit before. The more I hear that, the more I take pause and think about it. Out of the mouth the heart speaks. My heart really needs a change in condition. Lately, my words are cutting and crass...speaking without thinking first, only to regret it later. I said something to hubby yesterday that I wish I could take back. The sting of those words to him will be felt for a long time to come, I'm afraid. I didn't mean it. Really.

Seriously though, I can't figure out just why exactly my heart is so full of disdainful words...words that are not glorifying or life giving at all. It's more like acrid, foul filth that comes flying out from between my teeth. That is hard to admit, but it's true. Yes,the feelings in my heart match the words coming out of my mouth more often than not, so I know it's imperative that I do something about it. Not just for me, but even more for those that are precious to me.

Anyway, moving on...

39 years ago today, hubby was born into this world. I don't know what time or even what he tipped the scales weighing in at (his mother doesn't remember), but even in the midst of our troubled marriage, I am thankful that he is here and a part of my life. Even when things are barely tolerable between us, I cling to the dream I have of what our lives should be...and that keeps me hanging onto what could be. Happy Birthday to you hubby...I know that the sweet man I married is still in there. Somewhere. And I hope he can be found again. Soon.

I'm going to go and light the 39 candles that are stuck willy nilly into the chosen birthday dessert, and celebrate life today.

Friday, April 25, 2008

I am so tired today I can't even see straight. I did sleep last night however, pretty well in fact. I think I am just so emotionally spent that all of my energies are diverted elsewhere. Makes sense, right?

The parole hearing was yesterday. I was up and out of bed by 4:45am and on the road to my mom's house by 5:26am. The hearing itself went well. The stuff that surrounded the hearing--not so much. It was very tough to see the punk that killed my brother, even if it was just on a big screen TV. (video conference from the prison) But, as hard as it was seeing the punk, it was even harder seeing my Dad sitting next to the punk supporting him. I know, you must be wondering "what in the world"? ( believe me, so was I ) My Dad and my Aunt made the 6 hour trip to the prison where the punk is and pleaded for punk's release on parole. 7 years early. Wow...it was too much for me to bear...hot tears overflowed down my cheeks and I stifled my sobs. I love my Dad, but I just couldn't believe what he was doing. Am I the one in the wrong here? Should I have so much forgiveness for the punk that I want him out of prison so he can "have a better chance at life"? Heck no! I DON'T have that much forgiveness. I want him to stay in prison for at least his whole 10 year sentence. Happily, punk will reside in prison for at least another year. Next April, I'll be attending another hearing. But, at least for now, I don't have to worry. With all of that being said, after the hearing, I had a really great day. Mom, Rich and I went to breakfast, went and had a pedicure (mom and I...not Rich!) and spent the rest of the day together eating and shopping! What more could a girl ask for?

Things on the marriage front are still not stellar. They are pretty crappy in fact. Hubby and I were on the outs by 6:30 this morning and we never resolved a thing. I am really glad that he's off to work now.

Wow, it seems like all do is complain...sorry about that. Things are very stressful right now, I won't lie. Hubby and I can't seem to get along for anything. The kids are out of control. We are seriously broke. Yadda yadda yadda--I'll spare you the rest.

I am trying really hard to keep my outlook somewhat positive so I don't end up in an all too familiar depressive rut. I've got one foot in the hole though, so I am trying to avoid tripping myself up and diving into a full on depression.

Gotta run...Sam is spitting Bingo Balls all over the place and batting at them with a Lincoln Log.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Blogger Dropout

I'm not trying to be a blogger dropout...I've just been REALLY busy. Working. Kids. Life.

Tomorrow I am attending a parole hearing for the man that killed my brother. He has only served 3 years of a 10 year sentence and he's already up for parole. I don't want him out of prison. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I haven't gotten to that point in my forgiveness just yet.

As luck would have it, my lost period has been found. It brings with it mixed feelings for a few different reasons...but mostly relief.

I have to make this brief--it's crazy here and I have waaaay to much stuff to do.

I'll update when I can!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Notes From Monday

I am beginning to get a complex. I was called off work again on Sunday. Apparently the census in the IPU (inpatient unit) was down (since it's hospice, that means some patients died) so off I was called. Crap. I. Really. Needed. That. Money. At least the nursing agency called me at 8:26pm to let me know, rather than at 2:09am this time. That saved me at least a few heart palpitations.

I went with Josh on a field trip today. Who knew that Chico Basin Ranch would be out in the middle of nowhere, 35 miles from school? Certainly not me, since Caleb told me it was "Just down the street". Hell--it was a 70 mile round trip and a lot of gas. That being said, I would NOT want to live in the pioneer days! It was a pretty fun though. I drove Josh, Sam, and 2 giggling girls. I swear they laughed all the way there and back. I had to zone out so I could tune it out after about mile 38.

I am stressing out about where in the world my period is. I thought (know) I was suffering from serious hormonal upheaval this last week and a half, but now, I'm not sure what is going on. I'm 3 days late. The test is negative. And I am still hormonal. Think it could be S T R E S S related?

I am tired and I still have a whole days worth of stuff to do. I think I'll sign off and get to it. It's turned into a Hamburger-Helper-chocolate-chip-cookie(s) kind of evening. I'm working tomorrow (for sure)so whatever makes it easier counts, right?

Saturday, April 19, 2008


Yup. My age is definitely getting to me. Yesterday, in the process of sitting down to pee, I felt a strong 'pop' in my lower back. After that, I just remember sitting there holding back screams of pain trying to figure out what in the hell just happened. I slept horribly last night because I couldn't get comfortable in any position. I downed way too much Motrin to no avail. Ugh. Thank GOD I was called off for my shift at hospice...no way I could work like this. I can see it now--"Excuse me while I waddle down the hall in a hunched over position, mumbling to myself about the searing pain in my back".

I am feeling a little bit better today though, and since I didn't have to work, I dragged hubby and kids out to a birthday party for a little friend of Gracie's. No, I didn't bombard the party with my all of my crew, but the party was in a place that they could all play anyway.

The house is eerily quiet right now...Eli is at a sleepover up the street. Hubby took the rest of the kids to the park to hit some baseballs. I just got done soaking in a tub of water so hot it made me turn lobster-red. Nice.

I am on the schedule for work tomorrow, unless I get another 2:09am call to not come in. I sure hope not. I need to work. I actually want to work too. Not that I don't have enough stuff to do however, like laundry, grocery shopping and cleaning out my heap of a van since I'm driving for a field trip first thing Monday morning...but, getting out and working on something other than my same old, every day life, is nice sometimes.

After my back popping incident last night, I was sitting out on the porch of one of Eli's friends talking to his mom. I looked up to the voice of another mom (across the street) saying hello and holding up a bottle of wine and 3 glasses. We sat and sipped wine (ended up going through 3 bottles of it between us) and chatting about whatever was on our minds. It was really nice. And the wine was really good. The kids all had fun running around outside in the sunshine not caring a thing about what us mom's were doing. We had so much fun that it's a date for next Friday too :)

Well, while the house is still quiet, I think I'll carefully kick back and watch some boob tube.


Thursday, April 17, 2008

What's For Dinner?

Confession: I have no clue.

No excuse for it, really -- I simply never got around to planning anything. In my defense, I did work today, before I picked them up at school. This means that, in order not to be devoured by five ravenous children the instant we step through the door after school, I really, really have to plan.

(Picking up some fast food on the way home isn't an option for us. Aside from the fact that it's pricey and not that healthy, it's just plain gross)

So, what's a busy mom (who is pretty darn hungry herself by the end of the day) to do? It's always such a challenge. It's hard to find one thing that ALL of the kids will eat without having a melt-down and/or gagging. Some days it's a no-win situation. I make a nice dinner, and 3 or 4 of the kids like it, but the other 1-2 that don't make our dining experience h-e-double-hockey-sticks. If I were to just cave in and make Ramen noodles for lunch and dinner everyday, I'd never have any complaints. But, then again, my children would probably not be able to move because of the water retention caused by the enormous amount of sodium in those noodles.

Speaking of water retention, I am SO flipping PMS. My whole view is skewed by my raging hormones. Almost makes me want to get pregnant again to avoid all of this. At least for 9 months, my hormones would be pretty level. Don't worry, it was just a (quickly) passing thought brought on by said hormones.

Well, I think I'll put on my 'Mean Mom' hat and get to making a healthy dinner. You know, one with veggies and protein. (that was my hint at sarcasm) Then I'll make them bathe and do their homework.

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

You would scream, too, if you had to live with me.

I do the most horrible things to my children. Sometimes they even scream for insane amounts of time because of it.

I make sure their gums and teeth don’t rot, by brushing them every night. (though judging the amount of cavities found at our last dental visit, you'd think I was lying)

I don't let them run into the street or climb out on the roof. ( I said I don't *let* them, not that they haven't done that)

I sometimes even lock the bathroom door so Sam can't go "fishing" in the toilet.

I deprive them of fun and 'nutrition' by limiting their intake of sweets. (oh the horrors!)

I make them change their underwear everyday and wear clean outer clothes.

And the most terrible of all things... I make them go to bed at a 'reasonable' hour. I mean why not? Apparently none of their friends do.

I am a horrible mom.

Seriously though, sometimes I *do* feel like a horrible mom. Especially when a certain somebody is screaming like a banshee because I made her wear shoes. With socks. I also feel inadequate as a mom when another certain somebody flies through the kitchen wailing about the fact that there is "Nothing GOOD to eat".

Please tell me it does get better/easier/more tolerable? Somebody? Anybody?

Gotta go...there's some screaming going on :)

Monday, April 14, 2008

April Showers

A midnight trip across wet carpet. Squishy wet carpet. The feeling of the wet fibers between my toes was enough to send shivers up my spine. Turns out, Gracie and Sam found the joys of taking a shower, instead of a bath. Great, that's okay, less bending over the tub to scrub little heads clean, but seriously, hang up the bathmat will you?

Today didn't start off well. In fact, it started last night and just continued into today. I let the boys stay up late (9:15) to finish up a movie that I had brought home from the library. Well, Caleb and Josh were fine with that and went to bed as soon as it was over...no problem there. The problem came from Eli--he was NOT satisfied to go to bed at the appointed time. He had his mind set that he was going to watch another movie, complete with popcorn and a drink. His drink of choice was going to be Coke. With caffeine. Long story short, a Texas sized tantrum ensued, waking up Gracie who then freaked out too, upsetting Sam and really, REALLY ticking me off. I stuck to my guns even though Eli was telling me that yes, he WAS going to go watch a movie in the basement and he WAS going to have a snack. After a good toy throwing, "I hate you" slinging good time, Eli finally consented to getting into bed. Later, as I carried a very upset Sam downstairs for some milk, he said to me "Eli's a meanie" and then clear as day, said something that I will not repeat here. You'd better believe I was relieved to see Eli head off to school this morning.

I was supposed to go on a play date today with Gracie, but she is coughing up a storm and is as congested as New York traffic at rush hour. I am going to have to take Caleb to the doctor though. His hand was hit with a baseball yesterday and today his finger is purple and swollen. Looks like it could be fractured.

Oy. These are the days of our lives...

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

Alright, so it wasn't exactly fun , but I ended up working until almost 3am this morning. I was supposed to be off at 11:30pm, but someone called off for the night shift, so I was asked to stay because of the high number of patients on acute care. It seems like everybody's infusa-ports were all going off at once--I was ping-ponging from room to room the whole night. And one annoying thing about night shift is having to do rounds every 15 minutes--but, I guess since it is a hospice unit, I may as well chalk it up as some good exercise. Staying half way through the night may not have been good for my beauty sleep, but it will be good for my checking account. Time and a half pay is nice! I was feeling a little bit dopey by midnight since I had been there 9 hours already, and I was really dragging, but I made it through. I did get to sit for a while to feed the baby that was on the unit. It was such a joy and a heartbreak to hold him...knowing that he is so sick. It did my heart good though, to care for him. I almost forgot, for a moment, that he is dying--he is the picture of perfection on the outside, but sadly, not on the inside.

Anyway, it's Sunday again, and the mood around the house shows. I can't remember the last time we had a Sunday that wasn't bad. I don't know what it is about this day, but it's sad that I can't/don't look forward to it. Hubby and I are really struggling to get along again, and it's hard to deal with that on top of everything else. All the stress just makes this girl want to give up sometimes.

Thankfully, we'll be back to the school week routine tomorrow. It always helps for the kids to get a break from each other and even from us. That's sad, but it's true.

I've got to cut this short and get ready to leave...hi-ho-hi-ho-it's-off-to-work-I go!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Perfection Disguised

I'm not a writer. I've never claimed to be. Yes, I'd love to be one, but the talent is just not there. However, pounding out my thoughts and feelings in this blog is my form of therapy. Granted, I probably need 'real' therapy, but I digress...

I was called back to work at the inpatient hospice unit today, tomorrow and Sunday. This morning while I sat to listen to the ramblings of the night nurse on the voice recorder giving shift report, I was looking over my paperwork for my 'wing' of the unit, and I discovered that I would have a 9 day old baby in my care. A dying 9 day old baby. I sat stunned for quite a while, just wanting to run from the room to the elevator and out the front door to my car. A dying baby. The words 'dying' and 'baby' should never go together. My perspective on life and this world as I know it has changed. Forever.

The baby had not yet arrived when I started my shift, in fact, he didn't arrive until 15 minutes before my shift was over. But, each time I walked by the room that would be his, I was drawn to look at the tiny diapers stacked in the bottom of a pure white bassinet. My heart skipped a beat when I finally saw the admissions nurse walking with a mom carrying a tiny little bundle, and behind her, a father pushing a stroller with a car seat containing another newborn baby. The babies are identical twins. Both appear to be perfect. Sadly, under the disguise of perfection, one baby is terminally ill and will die. Soon.

When I entered the room to meet the family, there was not the blanket of sadness and grief I expected. Mom was very talkative and loved showing me her babies. She was fussing with the monitors and wires still attached to her precious little bundle and cradling him ever so softly. I helped them to settle in and then excused myself to the nurse's station where tears welled up in my eyes and my throat burned from holding them in. I was so thankful to be leaving there. I will return tomorrow...not knowing if he will still be there. If he is, heartbreaking as it will be, I will do everything in my humble power to care for this little boy as he passes into heaven.

Signing off now--the kids are all over the place and needing my supervision. And really, I want to hold them a little closer...

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Tantrum Anyone?

I was a little blown away yesterday when Josh decided to throw a tantrum. Now, he's been known to cry a lot over nothing sometimes, but he's not been one to throw tantrums. Especially not tantrums of gargantuan proportions. He started his show of emotion as soon as I told him it was time to leave for his tutoring session...and he continued it all the way there. Very loudly and very dramatically. When we finally arrived, he cried some more saying that he couldn't get out of the van yet because his eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were stained with tears. I gave him two minutes to get himself together enough to get into the building, then I dragged his butt in. I led him straight to the bathroom where I told him he could finish getting a grip while I went to sign him in. I still don't know exactly why he threw the tantrum in the first place, other than the fact he just didn't want to go, but needless to say, he lost some privileges for his outburst. And I think I lost several decibels of my hearing.

Having four of the kids back in school yesterday was pretty great. I tried to take it all in, especially while Sam was napping. I just wanted to be lazy! Alas, I was not lazy however, I was very productive. I got some laundry done, the kitchen cleaned, dinner and dessert made, my paycheck picked up, and some book reading in. And I'm pretty sure I did all of that with a spring in my step from the lack of stress that I am used to with all of the kids home. I was able to get off the Looney-Express for a whole 7.5 hours. Nice.

I just got word today from my Mom that my Grandma has been put on hospice care in the nursing home that she's in. I feel so bad for my Mom...I can't imagine losing her, so I'm sure it hurts her to know that she will be losing her Mom soon. I do think though, that my Grandma has suffered enough. Her quality of life has not been good for a couple of years now. She's stopped eating and is not responsive to those around her. I think she's ready to go and be with her Lord, as sad as it will leave the rest of us...

Wow, after writing that, I really don't feel like saying much more. I have to go and clean up Sam's pee off the floor anyway. (he's naked again)

Until next time!

Sunday, April 6, 2008


The uniforms are washed. The lunches are packed. The backpacks are filled. The kids go back go school tomorrow! I don't know how well we survived this two week Spring Break, but at least we survived.

I worked both days this weekend after all. I was assigned to an inpatient hospice facility and I really enjoyed working there. That may very well sound weird and kinda creepy, but really, it's not. True, death and sickness were hanging in the air, but the fact that I was able to give of myself and my talents to care for the patients and their families was remarkable to me. It was hard to see so many in pain and suffering, but caring for them with dignity and respect made my job so worth it. One little lady, very ill, and so close to death, reached out to grab my hand. She looked into my eyes and said to me " I just love you so much, thank you for helping me"...granted, she was confused and very compromised, but I took that and just ate it up. I was saddened to learn this morning that two of the patients I cared for yesterday died shortly after I left. I had given both of them their very last baths and I prayed blessings over them, as I could tell that their time here was not going to be long. One of them had eyes that looked fogged over and she was only taking 4 breaths a minute. And the other had terminal secretions (don't ask) and because of complications of diabetes, her toes had turned black and brittle. (brittle as in they would break off if touched)

Anyway, moving onto things not so crummy and gross...

Hubby was told by the owners of the restaurant the he manages that they want to talk to him this week about "getting him a raise"! I'm not sure just what that will mean, but at this point, anything will help us. I am anxious for that meeting to take place, but I also know that it won't be a fix-all for sure. I seriously doubt they are going to give him a $12,00 raise, so I'll still be singing hi-ho-hi-ho it's off to work I go for some time to come.

I hate to report that our potty training adventure has come to a screeching halt. Sam will not, no matter how much I cajole or bribe him, sit on the potty again. I bought him some brand-spanking new Thomas The Tank Engine underwear that he loved for about a minute and a half...I was so looking forward to having him out of diapers. Ah well. I knew my luck had to run out soon. Besides, he's still very young, and none of his brothers were fully trained until after 3 years old. I am determined to beat that with him though! I'm hoping that once Sam gets over his nasty croupy cough and snotty nose, he'll once again be up for the challenge.

Well, I think I'll sign off and get to bed. My legs feel like they are 90 years old after all of the walking/near running I did at work this weekend. Maybe I'll actually have built some muscle under my fluff, but I'm sure the Starbucks frappuccino and coffee cake I had today will totally zero out any benefit I may have reaped from all of that walking. Tomorrow's a new day, right?

Thursday, April 3, 2008

That Small, Still Voice

I know for a fact that God was watching out for me and the kids today. As I sat waiting to pull onto the highway this afternoon, I felt a sense of needing to wait a little bit longer...so, I did. I finally pulled out on the heels of a green PT Cruiser. I had no idea what was going to happen up the road just several hundred feet. Right before my eyes, the PT Cruiser got hit by a truck that had not stopped at the light, and the Cruiser went careening into the air and rolled violently several times before landing on it's top in the ditch. If I had not listened to that 'little voice' that prompted me to wait, the one hit would have been me.

I had to stop suddenly because the highway was littered with debris from the impact. I pulled off to the side and dialed 911 to report the accident. From what I could tell, everyone was okay...I didn't get out to help because I had a car load of kids and didn't think it was safe. Thankfully, many did rush to help the victims, God bless them. I am still a little shook up over witnessing such a sight and it gave me a sick feeling in the stomach knowing that could have been me. Lesson learned today for sure. Follow your intuition, as it very well could be the voice of God. I *do* believe that.

Caleb and Josh had their dentist appointment today. 13 fillings between the two of them. Josh had to have 2 of his bottom teeth pulled as well. The dentist felt he needed more room for his permanent teeth to come in as they were 'right there'. I was a bit shocked when the the dentist told me he 'wiggled' out Josh's teeth. I seriously had NO clue they were going to do that, even though the dentist insisted that he had told me. He very well may have told me, but last time I was there, I had all 5 kids having x-rays and cleanings, so I think I was spread a little thin in the brain.

I'm starting to get a little bit giddy knowing that school starts up again on Monday. It has been a long two weeks and I am going to be very happy to get back into our routine. (and get a 7.5 hour break from the kids!) You'd think I'd feel guilty about wanting to send the kids off to school, but I don't. Come on, tell me I'm not the only one!

I do have one funny story for today: I walked into Gracie and Sam's room this morning to find Gracie sitting upon a small cooler. Naked. Apparently, she thought using the cooler as a toilet would be a fun thing to do. Sam was fascinated with it and wanted a turn as well. Much to his dismay, I took the cooler away before he could do his 'business' in it. The cooler is now soaking in bleach in my tub. Ew.
You would think that with having 4 toilets in the house, nobody would need to resort to using a cooler to pee in :)

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The Results Are In!

My ever anxiety producing blood test results are back, and they're good! I won't bore you with numbers, I'll just say the doc was pleased and so am I. I am totally surprised I got good numbers back in the first place, as like I said before, I have not been diligent, but I am thankful nonetheless.

Spring break is nearing the end...and I am very glad about that. Not that I don't love and adore my children, *but* too much togetherness is never good. They have stepped it up a notch with their fighting, and they are eating us out of house and home. Only 5 days left, and it's a good thing because I am walking the line of needing to head to the nearest nuthouse.

I was supposed to work this weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday. But, I got a call from the agency today cancelling my shifts as they were able to fill them in house. Good for them, bad for me. As much as I dread going to work, I am grateful when I get some hours because having hours to work means I get paid. And getting paid is good. Especially when the kids have eaten everything in sight and are now starting to gnaw on the light fixtures and doorknobs.

The sun is shining brightly again today as opposed to the dreary, cold day we had yesterday, so I scooted all the kids (except Eli-he's glued to the computer screen) outside to play. I slathered their exposed skin in sunscreen and locked the door. (not really, but I considered it) So far, so good...they are running around playing football and jumping off the bike ramp. I did however, have to scold Josh for climbing out onto the roof to "look for a shining golden coin"--okay, whatever kid, just get off the roof and put your feet on secure ground!

Sometimes I wonder how it came to be that I am a mom...and a mom to so many at that. I feel myself floundering and feeling like an idiot most days--just trying to keep the peace here. I want my children to flourish. I want to be able to know when it's all said and done, that I did all I could do to raise them to be happy, God-loving, productive and successful members of this great big world. At this point, I fear they will all end up on some sort of antidepressant and need counseling for the rest of their lives. Tell me that won't happen, would you?

I'm going to hop offline to put on my jammies and kick back to watch Supernanny. Lord knows I need all the help I can get :)