Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Save Me From My Shovel

As much as I hate to admit it, I have lost some a lot of my joy. Maybe it's because my expectations of that joy were just too much. Maybe I was delirious in my new found love for God and my renewed love for my husband. Maybe...I don't know. I do know, however, that my heart feels heavy and tender again. It feels bogged down with the weight of my constant worries and stress.

Why is it that I would pick up those worries and burdens again? I thought that I had given them away to my God...I thought that I was free from them. Yet, here they are again. Plaguing my thoughts and whittling away at my joy. I'm tired. Worn out. Weary. Yet, I have to carry on, and carry on I will.

I heard a message this past Sunday on brokenness. It was said that we should stop trying to pull ourselves out of our brokenness and let God redeem and restore us where we are at. That made such sense to me....I expend so much energy on trying to pull myself out of the pit that I so often find myself in, that I pass up the opportunity for God to do His work in me. I focus on doing it myself' and in that, I always fail. I end up digging myself deeper and deeper into that pit.

So, for today, I think I 'll shake the dirt off my shoulder and hand over my shovel to the one that can redeem and restore me...and carry on.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

What Day Is It Today, Anyway?

I sat at the cereal bowl strewn kitchen table this morning seriously not knowing what day it was. I had to glance up at the calender to get a clue....ah yes, it's Tuesday. I'm not sure if it's the events of the past week (you know, toddler head injury,kids home on break, hubby gone) or what. Maybe it's the steroids I'm on for my carpal tunnel. Maybe I'm just losing what's left of my mind. Maybe it was the very large glass of wine I had on an empty stomach, with a friend last night. I even forgot that I had an extra kid in the house until I looked up to 6 kids around the breakfast table :)

Now that I have figured out what day it actually is, I can begin to sort out the rest of the week. I need to make a list of things to get to make for what I am bringing to my Mom's for Thanksgiving dinner. I need to pay the bills (but it takes money in the bank to do that). I need to clean the basement, again. I think my to do list may end up being a few feet long when it's all said and done.

My little dare-devil is recovering nicely from his concussion. He's up and around and not so cranky today. (so far, but it's only 7:45am...) I've found myself looking at him through different eyes after his ordeal.(and not just my eagle eyes on him constantly) He's so very precious to me. My heart aches at the thought of what could have been. I am eternally thankful that he's healthy and whole.

I think I'll go shower and clear my head...then begin to tackle my list. Maybe I should have some breakfast first to counteract the two cups of coffee I've already had...

Saturday, November 17, 2007

No More Monkeys Jumping On The Bed

Last night I saw a life flash before my eyes. It wasn't my life though. I did think however, that my life, and the life of my family had changed in an instant. Yes, I know, it sounds very dramatic, but in the moment, I was terrified and my mind was muddled with the what-ifs. I'll admit, I was fearful. Very fearful. The only thing I could do was cry out "Oh God, oh God...help"! I had no magical prayers.

My precious, albeit rambunctious little guy took a rough tumble off of my bed and landed straight on top of his head. I know, it doesn't sound like much, but my bed has been coined the 'Mothership' because from the top of the bed to the floor, it's a 4 ft drop. I can still see the event unfold in my head....I was laying on the bed reading a book and Sam had been climbing up and then sliding off feet first. He kept saying "Look Mama" and then he'd giggle with glee. He said "Look Mama" one more time. I looked. He looked at me, smiled, then dropped to his knees and propelled himself off the bed in somewhat of a somersault. I jumped up to see him laying on the floor. He wasn't moving. I scooped him up into my trembling arms and then watched in horror as his baby blues rolled back into his head, his face first greyed and then the color drained from his cheeks and lips, and he went limp in my arms. I quickly laid him on my bed and tried to wake him up. His eyes fluttered open and closed, he moaned in a tone I had not ever heard before. I pleaded with him to wake up and look at me. He would not. I panicked full on and dialed 911.

I tearfully explained my emergency and location to the 911 operator and then Sam woke up screaming as loudly as he could. That was music to my ears! The 911 operator began her line of questioning as to what happened and was he breathing, and instructing me to tell her immediately if he lost consciousness again or stopped breathing.< and I am thinking Oh my God, IS he going to stop breathing, why is she saying that?? > She kept telling me not to move him. At this point, I was already holding him down in the living room waiting for the paramedics to arrive. When I told her I was holding him, she instructed me to hold him very still and not to move his neck.

So anyway, long story short, he was transported to the hospital to be checked out. He was pretty alert in the ambulance...I think he hated all of the poking and prodding and being strapped down against his very stubborn will. By the time we arrived at the hospital, he was drowsy and fell into a deep sleep. Snoring and all :) He was given a CT scan of his head, was monitored, and sent home with a diagnosis of a concussion. Whew.....I could now breathe. And praise God with that breath that things were not worse.

He's a bit spacey and wobbly today, but he is happy and has a sparkle in his eyes. (and his Mama's eyes are glued to him!)

Praise Him for his mighty deeds; Praise Him
according to His surpassing greatness!
Psalm 150:2

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

My Mustard Seed

I am holding on tightly to that old mustard seed of faith these days. I quit my 3 day a week, but almost full time hours job, almost a month ago now. I quit because I was hired on with a nursing staffing agency that offered substantially more per hour and allowed me to be flexible in my schedule. I have gone through their new hire orientation, had my criminal background check, submitted to drug testing and supplied my professional licenses. Here's the clincher however-- I have yet to be called to work a shift, even though I was told I would be kept busy, and there would be plenty of shifts to work. Here's where that mustard seed of faith comes in. You see, if I don't work, I don't earn a paycheck. Makes perfect sense, right?

Every time I begin to panic over the bills rolling in and a paycheck not rolling in, I hear a quiet voice in my spirit that says very gently, but also very assuredly, " I will provide ". When I 'hear' that, I feel an immediate sense of relief and comfort. Now, I am not sure that it is God's magnificent voice telling me that, or if it's just my frazzled and worried spirit that is trying to bring myself comfort, but I am clinging to my faith that He will provide. My income provided about a third of what we made monthly, so to not have that, leaves us in a very precarious financial situation for sure. Apparently what makes perfect sense to me isn't what matters. It's God's perfect sense that makes things work.

I am going to tell the school today that I have to pull little G from her preschool class. I just can't bring together the $208 a month to keep her there. I know she will be devastated and so disappointed, but I think it's the right thing to do for now. I am trying to cut every corner I can and am trying to scour my brain for ideas to bring in some money...but I am just drawing a blank. Here again is where my mustard seed of faith comes in. Maybe God is waiting for me to surrender my plans and rely upon Him and His plan for us. If that weren't so scary and so hard to do....

I am absolutely thankful that R was provided another job with a steady income and I am also thankful that for the time being, I have been able to be at home with my children every day.

Now, if only my head could follow my heart...

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

A Birthday Fit For A Princess

I meant to blog yesterday, to capture the 4th birthday of my one and only little Princess, but time got away from me, and it is now the day after :) The puppy successfully chewed my digital camera cord, so I will have to post pictures when I get a new one...

Little G's birthday celebration started 2 days before her actual birth date with a traditional English cream tea at the famed Glen Eyrie Castle. G and I were joined by Nana (my marvelous Mom), my lovely friend Jodie and her beautiful little Princess, and of course, G's (and my!) beloved friend 'Miss Cake'. I think that a grand time was had by one and all, even though G admitted to me that she did not care for the tea itself :) My little Princess was showered with princess gifts and I know that she felt quite special, indeed.

Yesterday, we celebrated again with a family party and a cake shaped like a pretty package, complete with an edible red ribbon and bow.

I think I am in denial (or shock) that my little girl is 4 years old! I remember the day that the ultrasound technician announced that we were not having another boy...but a girl! I don't think I actually believed that I was carrying a girl, until the moment I received proof. Her actual birth. When the doctor held her up for me to see, I took a quick glimpse of her face and then just as quickly checked to make sure she was in fact a girl! I exclaimed through joyful tears " It IS a girl"! The day she was born is a day I will never forget... She was in a hurry to arrive and I labored for only 18 minutes (yes, eighteen as in 2 minutes less than 20) before she came into my world. She must have known how utterly excited I was to finally have what I had prayed for...the desire of my heart, to have a little girl. Of course, I prayed for each and every one of my children, and they were also the desire of my heart, but the bond between a mother and her daughter is most special and to be cherished and nourished always.

Happy birthday to my baby girl...you are such a blessing to me and I give thanks for you. I love you with a love so sweet...

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Darn The Sick Season!

My little princess is sick....her eyes are glossed over, her cheeks are rosy red and her mood is well, let's just say it's unpleasant... The poor thing has a fever of 104*, so I can hardly blame her for the bad mood. R took her into the pediatrician this morning to get checked out 'just in case'. With the high fever and her complaints of a sore throat and headache, we worried it might be strep. Luckily, she left with a diagnosis of viral tonsillitis and a prescription for lots of rest and snuggling with mom. Oh, and motrin around the clock to bring down her fever.

I am SO hoping that this virus doesn't spread to all the other kids. With any luck, it'll stop at her. (but knowing my luck, we'll all get it and be down the entire month of November!)

I'm going to go and cuddle my girl...if I can take the heat!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

My Sons, The Warriors

The boys are locked, loaded and ready for battle. All the time. It's never-ending with them. The only time they are not arguing is when they are not together. Even at meal time, all I hear is the constant bickering ,teasing and tattling about who is chewing with their mouth open, or who is clanging their spoon against the side of the bowl. The insults fly and tears are usually shed (by me--the tears not the insults).

I really didn't think that my children would grow to literally hate each other. I believe they do, since I hear it all the time. " I hate you, you jerk!" is spoken out several times per hour. The degrading innuendo between them is a constant.

I was hoping that the peace in my heart would mean peace in my home too. It hasn't. When I step back and take a look at what is going on around me in the midst of their battles, I have a battle going on inside of me as well. Part of me wants to scream and yell and carry on about how I can't stand their fighting, and the other part of me silently blames myself for their carrying on. I don't know how to make them see what is becoming of them as siblings or how to help them to love and respect each other. I, as well as them, are blinded by the boldness of the rage that battles on.

Lord, I plead with you to help us...to bring peace to our home and to my children's hearts. You have given me peace within myself, and I beg you to bring that peace to my family. I specifically pray that you would soften E's hardened heart and break through the walls that he has built up around himself. The anger that is in him is so scary and heartbreaking. Please, restore him back to the sweet, loving and content child that I know he is under his wrap of rage. Help me to love him as he is, but also to direct him in the way that he should go. Please Lord, break the bonds of anger and hate that have formed between my children. Bring peace and restoration to our family...

Friday, November 2, 2007

I Want A Refund

I am having a hard day. Actually, it's my oldest son that is having a hard day. But, we all know when the kid is having a hard go of it, the mama is too... I am SO having to hold myself back (with a valiant effort) from wringing his neck and wrapping his disrespectful tongue around the fence post outside. That sounded kind of harsh, didn't it? Yes, it has been that kind of day.

It's the kind of day where I long for the sun to go down and the eyes (of the children) to get heavy... I would never survive this parenthood thing if there wasn't the gift of sleep. And I don't think the kids would survive their childhood either.

I drug myself into the doctor's office today. I am finally insured after almost 2 years. I am having a physical on Monday, so I went in to have my preliminary blood work done before I actually see the doctor. I swear there is something wrong with me. My hair is falling out, my wrists and fingers are numb almost all the time, I can't lose weight no matter how hard I try and I am SO DARN tired ALL the time. There is a host of other symptoms that I have to complain about, but I won't air them here. I'll save that for my appointment with the OB, which I have scheduled for Wednesday :) Knowing my luck, I'll be perfectly healthy and won't be able to blame my thyroid or something for my spare tire and fluffy thighs.

I'm going to sign off...I have to finish cleaning my house for the Homemade Gourmet show I am hosting tomorrow. I've been cleaning for weeks, but not actually accomplishing much since the kids come along behind me and undo everything leaving a path of destruction and dirt.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Candy Hangover

Yup, it happens every year. The dreaded candy hangover. And it's not even the kids, it's me! I can't seem to control myself around the piles and piles of candy that the kids score on Halloween. The almond joys and mini twix seem to get me every time. I'm really good about setting a limit on the amount that the kids can have, but I always go over my limit! And every year I tell myself that I won't do that again. Luckily, with all of the candy being of the mini size, I only ate the equivalent of 2 (or maybe 3) full size candy bars... I think that I am making up for some lost time, since I never got to go trick-or-treating as a kid :)

The kids had a blast last night. The older 3 dressed up as 'vampire-zombies' (their word for it , not mine). Basically, they had whitish-gray faces with vampire teeth. I painted a black nose and whiskers on G so she could be the kitty she wanted to be, and little S just went as himself because he would have nothing to do with having paint on his face. He was a little confused as to why we were going house to house, but once he realized that if he said 'trick or treat' he would get candy plopped into his bucket, he was all for it! He was so cute saying 'fwick er feet'! And he always followed up with a thank you so sweet it would melt my heart. The only catastrophe was when he fell running down the side walk and all of his candy went flying out of his bucket. Tears were shed, but a sucker made it all better. After the sucker, his little hands were so sticky that he couldn't have dropped his bucket again if he wanted to.

I think I need to go eat some spinach or something so I can redeem myself from all of the sugar in my blood.