Wednesday, November 14, 2007

My Mustard Seed

I am holding on tightly to that old mustard seed of faith these days. I quit my 3 day a week, but almost full time hours job, almost a month ago now. I quit because I was hired on with a nursing staffing agency that offered substantially more per hour and allowed me to be flexible in my schedule. I have gone through their new hire orientation, had my criminal background check, submitted to drug testing and supplied my professional licenses. Here's the clincher however-- I have yet to be called to work a shift, even though I was told I would be kept busy, and there would be plenty of shifts to work. Here's where that mustard seed of faith comes in. You see, if I don't work, I don't earn a paycheck. Makes perfect sense, right?

Every time I begin to panic over the bills rolling in and a paycheck not rolling in, I hear a quiet voice in my spirit that says very gently, but also very assuredly, " I will provide ". When I 'hear' that, I feel an immediate sense of relief and comfort. Now, I am not sure that it is God's magnificent voice telling me that, or if it's just my frazzled and worried spirit that is trying to bring myself comfort, but I am clinging to my faith that He will provide. My income provided about a third of what we made monthly, so to not have that, leaves us in a very precarious financial situation for sure. Apparently what makes perfect sense to me isn't what matters. It's God's perfect sense that makes things work.

I am going to tell the school today that I have to pull little G from her preschool class. I just can't bring together the $208 a month to keep her there. I know she will be devastated and so disappointed, but I think it's the right thing to do for now. I am trying to cut every corner I can and am trying to scour my brain for ideas to bring in some money...but I am just drawing a blank. Here again is where my mustard seed of faith comes in. Maybe God is waiting for me to surrender my plans and rely upon Him and His plan for us. If that weren't so scary and so hard to do....

I am absolutely thankful that R was provided another job with a steady income and I am also thankful that for the time being, I have been able to be at home with my children every day.

Now, if only my head could follow my heart...