Friday, May 9, 2008

Eyes Wide Open

Finally. We talked. Long. Hard. With tears and heartache...but in the end, some laughter was thrown in too.

Late last night during our conversation, I came to the stark realization that if I don't come to my senses and start treating my husband like a human being, I will lose him. Some realization huh? It's not that I didn't know that, but I have been living in such bitterness and resent, that I guess I didn't care. I have beaten him down into little more than pulp with my anger and unforgiveness, and for the first time I think ever, I saw the pain in him. Okay, I more than saw it, I felt it.

I have been so selfish in my pain for so long, that I failed to see what I was doing to him with that pain. I brought my husband to the point of feeling hopeless. Like a loser. A failure.

True, what happened in our marriage/family almost 3 years ago was completely life altering...but, that alteration has been played out all this time, instead of being truly forgiven and let go of, like it should have been. Mistakes were made. Hearts were broken. Trust was all but shattered. Still, it's gone on far too long.

While I silently contemplated all that has transpired, my heart broke into a million shards...not broken because of my pain, but because of his.

I am so sorry my love...yes, you are truly my love. I have hurt you ten times more than you should have put up with. I can only hope that we can rebuild what has been broken and begin to love each other with all that we are again. I accept your apology for your part in this pain...the apology you have given me over and over again in these past years--and I ask that you accept mine. Truly.

All is not lost.

There is still hope.

We have a long road ahead of us...healing and growing.

The best years of our lives are yet to come.

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