Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Mass Confusion

I'm at a crossroad.

I am so confused. I am torn. Torn between giving up on my 14 year relationship with R because the pain is too much to bear, or trudging on and pushing through the pain and making things work. I married this man for a reason. I loved him dearly and with all my heart. I had such hopes and dreams for us. I had imagined us to always be happy and in love with each other. The big, happy family that I dreamed about is not playing out the way it's supposed to.

What I didn't bargain for was this darkness that has overcome us. Not only has it covered R and I, it has covered our children as well. I also didn't bargain for the fact that I am married to an addict. We are living in a literal hell day in and day out. There is no relief. Maybe it's a self-imposed hell, and maybe it's not as bad as I am making it out to be in my own head? I have questioned my own sanity at times! I feel like I am grieving. Grieving the loss of my dream of a picture-perfect marriage and family. I am grieving that I have failed in that. I am grieving that R has failed me. I am grieving that fact that I may not get to see my longing for another child come true.

Although I am ashamed to admit it, just the other night (Sunday night) I sank to a new low and seriously contemplated ending it all. I poured A LOT of alcohol and A LOT pills and almost drowned my massive pain in it all. Sometimes the hurt is just so bad I want it to stop, you know what I mean? I drank the alcohol, but could not take the pills. Seriously, I would not have gone through with it, but the temptation was so very strong. Besides, I do have a bit of a nursing background, and what I had would not have killed me, it just would have pickled my kidneys and left me on dialysis the rest of my life :) All joking aside, never would I put my children and family through the agony something done out of a moment of despair.

I contacted an attorney yesterday. A divorce attorney. I filled out the paperwork. I got a case number. I cried. Then, as quickly as I had done all of that, I changed my mind and couldn't go the next step. As of Sunday night, I was certain that I was going to take the plunge and file. I was so sick of the pain and the fighting and the downright violence...I was ready. Then, he came home and said he was sorry for it all. Again. He said he loves me and wants it to work. He cried. His show of any emotion besides anger, said a lot to me. He's always been void of showing any kind of emotion. Maybe he truly is remorseful? Maybe he really has changed? I find it hard to hold onto the hope that he has, until he makes a few more steps and gets some help. He is holding back on taking that giant (to him) step. I need him to RUN to get help...instead he is dawdling his way though not admitting that he needs it. That's the frustrating part. I've told him that in order for us to build trust again, he needs to go to a counselor and really dig deep. His soul is so full of junk and pain, but he refuses to stir it up for fear of what really lurks there.

So, for now, I am trying to maintain my mind and my marriage. If ever there was a God, may He show His mighty powers now.

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