Saturday, August 18, 2007

Blog in a fog

Okay, so that was such a dumb title for this, but it's once again Saturday and I am once again in that sleepless fog. I keep having to tell myself, "One more night, just one more night". That seems to get me through knowing that after tonight, I'll be off until Friday :)

It's been a pretty quiet day. The kids are busy playing with friends and the baby is dancing around to the silly songs on the latest Veggie Tales movie, so I have been afforded the time to sit and write, which is always a catharsis to me. R left for work at 8am as usual. He was actually waiting for me in the driveway this morning so he could hop in the car and go. Talk about two ships passing in the night, er, morning! E came to work with me last night and kept his eyes pryed open until the wee hours of the morning watching High School Musical 2 on Disney. He would have stayed up longer if I hadn't put my foot down and made him get some shut eye. It's nice to have him with me, even if sometimes it's only to keep the peace at home. He is a huge instigator of arguments between the kids and R, so I take him with me quite often.

I really feel guilty about wishing away the weekends. I want to enjoy being at home with the kids and not want Monday to come so soon, but darn it, the weekends just leave me weary and withered. I feel like such a lump of flubber. Speaking of flubber, I am (once again!) going to get with the program and lose some of this weight. I have given myself a personal goal to be at my ideal weight (which is still largely undetermined) by my 34th birthday in June. I spent my 20's overweight because of pregnancy after pregnancy...I really don't want to spend my 30's fluffy as well! I am aiming to have 25-30 pounds gone by the end of January 2008, and to be at my final goal (probably another 20-25 pounds) by the 24th of June 2008. If I weren't such a stress-eater, I'd actually have confidence in myself that I could meet these goals. When I am under stress (which is pretty much always!) I eat mindlessly and without regard. Bad carbs and comfort foods become my friend and my 'support'... even though I always end up feeling worse than I did before when I eat like that. I always start out the day with the best of intentions to eat healthfully and normally, but usually by the time breakfast rolls around, I've experienced so much stress that it all goes to the wayside.

I hate feeling fat. Fluffy. Overweight. Large. Wide. Whatever the term, you get the picture. I really hate the way I can feel the fat on my face and under my chin(s). I despise the rolls of fat on my belly and back, my dimply thighs and thick ankles, and the way my arms keep flapping long after I've waved goodbye. I especially hate having a 'muffin top' because my pants are so tight the fat squishes out the top. I think I had a reality check last weekend at work when a patient said to me "Now, don't take this the wrong way, but I am really surprised that you are so heavy since you have 5 children to run around after". Wow, if that wasn't a kick in the gut, I don't know what is.

Signing off for now... I have to wipe the crumbs from my Wendy's hamburger and fries off the keyboard.

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