Thursday, August 16, 2007

'I don't got a belly button'

As I sit in the basement contemplating what I should shove off on this blog tonight, I hear the giggles of 2 of my boys singing a very enchanted song with lyrics including "I don't got a belly button" and then it's just a bunch of gibberish mixed in with the laughter...and a few ah ha's thrown in there as well. As amusing as it is to me, R just sits there with an angry face and an even more angry tone to his tired voice. I'm not quite clear what his issue is tonight, as I thought we actually had a pretty good day together. His attitude is really disheartening to say the least. It snuffs out the tiniest bit of hope that I may have felt today. Such is the story of my life these days.

It's funny (or not so much) how contagious anger is and how fast it spreads. It spreads faster than it can be stopped, that's for sure. I thought I was in a pretty good mood tonight as I had dinner with a friend and was able to vent to her and not feel judged...but then I had to come home to the house under siege by R. I guess it's fair to say that it's under siege by an 11 year old boy who seems to control the emotions of his 38 year old father as well.

I think instead of trying to break down the thick walls between R and I, we actually add on a layer of brick and mortar most days. Sometimes even 2 or 3 layers get put on...those are the days when even the house itself seems to sigh with relief when night falls and everyone sleeps. Those are also the days when I feel defeated the most. Defeat doesn't come in a nice and pretty package, it comes with gut-wrenching guilt that another day has gone by without any resolution to our seemingly impossible situation.

Why is it when I most want and need the answers and guidance from my heavenly Father, He seems so unreachable? Almost like the whole God/relationship/salvation thing is something that everyone else can attain, but for me, it's held just out of my reach...and every time I try harder to press into Him, He runs from me. Now I know that isn't the way it is, but like I've said before, I am just trying to make sense of all this gobbledygook and find my way around the murky waters of this thing called marriage and life. Oh, and parenthood too. Let's hope I can find the way before I run out of air...

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