Tuesday, January 15, 2008


I had one of 'those' days this past Sunday. It started off with a bang with Eli tantruming like a toddler, and it continued that way all day. Anyway, at one point, the stress became too much for me to bear....so, I left. I ran out the front door sans make-up, sans coat and sans sanity. I jumped in the VW and hit the road, leaving skid marks on the pavement, I'm sure. I also left behind 5 crying, terrified children...afraid they had lost their mother. Nope, their mother just lost her mind for a moment or two thousand and twenty three.

As I burned rubber flying up the street, tears streamed down my bare face, pooling in my lap. Words that would make a nun go deaf exploded from my mouth, as did screams of agony and defeat. I shamefully admit that the curses and screams were directed specifically at God. I yelled at Him so harshly that I thought my carotid artery would dissect itself right then and there. Seriously, my throat burned and my vision was dimmed with the intensity of my gutteral screams. I blurted out things to God that I am too ashamed to admit. The rage and disappointment I felt was so strong...I could not even begin to stifle it.

My ringing cell phone jolted me back to reality, but I didn't answer it. I knew it was the kids calling to beg me to come home. I didn't want to go home, I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to just leave it all behind and never look back. But, my heart of hearts, knows what is right. My tears ceased and I quieted myself to listen to the worship music that was playing on the radio. As soon as I could think clearly, I again, blurted things out loud to God. Only this time, I wasn't yelling at Him, nor cursing Him...I apologized to Him for all of the things that I had said in my anger. I admitted defeat, asking (begging) Him to bring His peace and let it settle upon me. I made sure to mention that I didn't mean the things I said to Him ( I didn't) and asked His forgiveness. As much as I know that my God is not a spiteful and revengeful God, deep down I feared what could happen in my life because of my hatefulness to Him.

You know what? God did forgive me and He will always forgive me. He showed up the very next day in a phone call from Roy telling me that he had just gotten a very big promotion at work. As soon as the words fell from Roy's lips, I shuttered inside thinking about my actions the day before. I stood there in the middle of the kitchen humbled inside, in awe of what God was putting into motion for us, despite myself.

Humility is a very good thing.

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