Friday, May 22, 2009

And the Fun Has *Just* Begun...

It's here. Summer vacation. Or should I call it the lazy days of fighting, whining and complaining?

Sorry folks, it is what it is. I am not a fan of summer vacation. I try to be, but really, I just can' isn't natural for me! I love school that much. Yes, I do.

So as not to trivialize all that is going on in my world, I will just be blatently honest with you. I am not doing all that well. I am severly depressed. Majorly messed up--some in the head, but mostly in my heart.

I have guilt. Over what? Over feeling like I am grieving. I am grieving. I don't like it. Not one bit. As one misunderstood person told my husband..."she just needs to get over it". Easier said than done. And nobody is walking in my shoes.

I am grieving the loss of the child I expected...but I truly love the child I've been given. It's just a big, and frankly, scary new world I've been thown into. The world of Down syndrome is frightening to me. I also grieve the loss of a nursing relationship with my daughter. It just isn't happening. Yet. Maybe it never will and I don't know if I can be okay with that.

But, I'm not giving up. Yet.

I'm not thrilled about summer. I am not ready to face an entire brood of children while still trying to work out the kinks in my heart. Honesty, again. It isn't always pretty, is it? I'd like to just go to bed and wake up in August.

Zoloft, here I come!

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