1 Day Down...

If it was ever possible to become dehydrated from shedding tears, I think I'm pretty much to that point. Honestly, I feel like I am grieving. I know I haven't lost my son to death, or even lost him at all, but I feel a huge void.

I sit and think about what he must be feeling and experiencing...wondering if he feels abandoned by me. I wonder if he feels like I am a traitor. I wonder if he thinks I don't love him. Oh God...I DO love him. I do!

I do blame myself for a lot of why Eli is there. Everyone says "It's not your fault", but how could it not be my fault? I have been with him since the day he was formed. I am the one that has been a major influence in his life. Me.

How can I not blame myself?

If I could wave a magic wand and take all of his pain away, I would do it in the blink of an eye. I would even carry his pain myself.

God how I miss him. It's not like he's never been away before. There's been summer camp and weekend sleepovers...but this, this is different. My heart hurts for him.

I love you Eli...I'll see you soon.