For those of you ( you know who you are!) that have been wondering if I fell off the face of the earth since I haven't blogged in a while, rest assured I have not. I'm here. I'm alive. I'm just tired.

Eli was home over the weekend. He was supposed to be discharged from treatment today, BUT his visit home didn't go well as we had hoped, so he's been given a new discharge date of December 10th. A couple more weeks to work on his stuff while we get our stuff together here as well. Beginning next week, we will be starting a program called "Family Preservation". That will entail a 'professional' coming into our home 3 days a week for 3 months to help us with the behaviors that are flying every direction around here.

I've got some worries tumbling around in my head as well. Let me just say that GOOGLE is not always your friend. But, that being said, (long story short) I am scheduled to have an ultrasound (not of the baby) tomorrow morning...then I'm off to a surgeon next Monday for a biopsy. Ugh-my head is spinning. It's nothing, right? Tell me it's nothing.

I hate worry.

Signing off...(and to you know who you are, don't be offended if I don't answer the phone--it's been off--sorry!)

This is What FIVE Looks Like!

Let me just say that I cannot BELIEVE that my little girl is 5 years old. Today!

I remember so vividly the day that I found out that finally, after 3 boys, we had a little girl on the way. I was ecstatic, although still in disbelief.

I love having a princess. LOVE it!

Happy 5th birthday to my sweet little girl...Mama loves you dearly :)

Update on Eli:
I spoke with him last night. He sounded just terrible. Awful. He could hardly speak as he was bravely holding back tears. I was ready to jump into the van to go and get him...my heart just broke hearing my son so upset, so desperate to come home.

I also spoke at length with the staff psychiatrist and he is still devising a plan for Eli's treatment. (to medicate or not, that is the question)

The plan tomorrow is to go up to the treatment center for a family meeting. (Just hubby, Eli and I--with the therapist, of course)

I can't stand the thought of leaving him there just one more day, much less countless days.

I love you Eli...tons and bunches. Forever and always. No matter what.

1 Day Down...

If it was ever possible to become dehydrated from shedding tears, I think I'm pretty much to that point. Honestly, I feel like I am grieving. I know I haven't lost my son to death, or even lost him at all, but I feel a huge void.

I sit and think about what he must be feeling and experiencing...wondering if he feels abandoned by me. I wonder if he feels like I am a traitor. I wonder if he thinks I don't love him. Oh God...I DO love him. I do!

I do blame myself for a lot of why Eli is there. Everyone says "It's not your fault", but how could it not be my fault? I have been with him since the day he was formed. I am the one that has been a major influence in his life. Me.

How can I not blame myself?

If I could wave a magic wand and take all of his pain away, I would do it in the blink of an eye. I would even carry his pain myself.

God how I miss him. It's not like he's never been away before. There's been summer camp and weekend sleepovers...but this, this is different. My heart hurts for him.

I love you Eli...I'll see you soon.

Ouch, My Heart....it Hurts!

Today I did what I think will qualify as in fact the hardest thing I've ever done. Ever.

Harder than birthing my children. Harder than, well, I don't know what because there is nothing harder that I've ever done.

Today I took my son up into the mountains and left him there. Now before you go thinking I am some horrible mom that just dumps her kid off, hear me out...

After agonizing for weeks over 'should we do it, or should we not', the decision was made to do it. For his sake.

My little boy, who is all of 12, has been admitted to a residential treatment facility for the next 30 days. 30 long and hard days. 30 days I will never get back with him. But, they are 30 very important and very necessary days. My boy is lost in his anger and emotions and I need to help him find himself again.

My heart feels like it's literally bleeding...one drop at a time...and my tears are falling in streams.

Leaving my red-cheeked, scared and nervous little boy there was the ABSOLUTE hardest thing I have ever done.

I love you my sweet Eli...and I will always love you. I will miss you fiercely and my heart will ache until you are safe at home again. I will vigilantly pray blessings over you. I will think of you constantly, and I will await your return home. I love you, I love you, I love you...

and I always will.

The Power of a Quiet Moment

While I don't get many quiet moments, when I do get them they don't last but a literal moment anyway. Sometimes though, I like to sit and think about the day and it's many memories. Some good, some bad, but memories nonetheless.

I've realized, especially lately that I more often than not neglect to take that quiet time. The pureness of an uninterrupted moment. I'm sure if I took the time, it would feed my soul and make my worries fade, if only for a short time.

Tomorrow always brings with it a multitude of stimuli and activity...brimming with noise and chaos from sun up until well after sun down, but I will try to 'stop and smell the roses' or curl up with a little one and a book because life's too short not to recharge and discover the power of a quiet moment.

I am relishing in a quiet moment right now as all of the kids are piled on the couch in the basement watching a movie with their Grandpa. Yay me!

Bubbles, Bubbles...Everywhere!

You can't see it, but there are even bubbles on the wall...


And what I wouldn't give to have a soak in that tub tonight!

I know I am a week behind in blogging again. Bear with me...I'm struggling with balancing all of the hats I wear as a Mom, wife and employee these days. Plus, I've been totally sick and had to spend a day in the hospital strapped to an IV. Home health care is on the horizon if I can't keep up with my fluids. I'm working on it valiantly!

While I was hospitalized, I got the privilege of having a full blown ultrasound. What an amazing sight to see my little one kicking around and waving tiny fists. AND, 'unofficially' I was told that the baby has "nothing between the legs". (aka-GIRL!) We'll see about that though. After having had 4 boys and just one girl, my skepticism is heavy on that one :)

A huge decision was made today and without saying too much, I am weighed down with guilt and at the same time filled with relief. I'll explain more later...

Gotta run---seems bath time has turned to battle.