Day 44

I've not been taking very good care of myself lately. Call it laziness if you want, but I think it's more that there is not enough time in my day to take care of everyone else and myself. I'm sure you can relate, right? The thing is that I admit I haven't been taking very good care of myself in the Vanity Department. I figure... "what's the use?" But this morning I took a good look at myself (and my feet-- Holy MOLY! The Feet! and good Lord, the frumpy arms and legs!) and was like "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

I can't think of a good enough excuse why.

I promised told myself way back in November when I had to go on medication for my skyrocketing insulin levels, that by my 34th birthday, I would be 50+ pounds lighter and therefore, healthier. So am I? Uhhhh, nope. I lost nearly 25 pounds though...but then gained back almost 20 of them, so it really doesn't count now does it? I'm almost ready to give up the dream of losing weight. I would never have imagined that at 34 years old, I would have this body and the energy of an 85 year old. I mean, I spent the majority of my teens and very early 20's doing crazy things so that I would never look this way, and yet, here I am. I am having a hard time adjusting to this body (and face!) At times, I feel emotionally exhausted, and just want to stop fighting it and accept it. Nope. Can't do it. I hate being overweight. But, do I hate it enough to do something about it? My mind screams yes, but my mouth(pie-hole) says no most of time, sadly. I freely admit I am a stress-eater, and my life is all about stress lately. I'd rather be a stress-runner mind you, but that's not my lot in life I suppose :)

Anyway, good news on Gracie...her 24 hour culture did NOT show any e-coli. If after 48 hours it has not grown any, we can breath a little easier. She's still running a fever, but she is happy and energetic, very unlike before, thank God. And I'm pretty sure my friends that hosted the bbq last night think I am a total freak now...I dropped off my family and our food for the party and I tearfully told them I had to take Gracie in to the ER ...my insides were literally shaking with dread knowing that my poor princess could have to be put through hell again at the hospital. Sorry friends, not a freak, just worried :(

Hubby and the boys are out at the dollar theater seeing Speed Racer...so I am feeling a little bit of freedom. Hey, when you have 5 kids, having just 2 of them for a while is nice! Think I'll go whip up a mudslide and read a book. Tomorrow is Caleb's birthday, so it'll be hopping around here...gotta rest up while I can!

Later!