No Spitballs On The Baby, Please

The things that I hear myself say sometimes make me feel like I am in some off-the-wall wacky comedy movie! Just the other day on the way to soccer practice, E was trying to perfect the art of shooting spitballs through a straw. Most of the spitballs hit the windshield, but a few were directed at the head of the baby, who of course was delighted. Since the baby expressed his delight with belly laughs, E's fire to continue was fueled even more. "Please"! I pleaded, "Don't shoot spitballs at the baby"! Little S ended up plastered with sticky balls of paper coated in spit anyway. Yuck.

The spitballs however, don't even begin to touch what Mr. Fantastic did that very same day. I had a basement full of children (5 of my own and 3 neighbor kids) and I hear C yell " Mooooommmmmm! Josh threw POOP on the ceiling"! I practically tripped over my own two feet in order to get downstairs as fast as I could. Sure enough, there was not only poop on the ceiling, but there was also poop on the stairs. So, while holding in my gags, I demanded to know the story behind why there was poop on the ceiling and whom did the poop belong to anyway?? Seems S had taken his diaper off by himself (which he does often...he's a diaper Houdini) and handed it to J. When J realized what exactly he had been handed, he threw it into the air where it hit the ceiling, leaving a smear, and then the open diaper tumbled down the stairs leaving a trail of baby poo pebbles. (thank goodness S has been constipated lately, so his poo is like something that a rabbit would leave) All of the kids in the basement said it was the most "disgusting thing" they had seen all day. I'd have to agree.

I tend to ask my kids a lot of questions. Over and over again. Here they are in somewhat of an order :

1. Did you pee on the seat? ( usually answered with a shoulder shrug or an avoidance of eye contact )

2. Did you flush? ( usually answered with the child being asked running back to the bathroom to flush )

3. Did you wash your hands? ( usually answered the same way as question #2. )

4. Did you hit (shove, bite, kick) your brother/sister? ( usually answered with "Yes, but it wasn't my fault")

5. Did you brush your teeth? ( usually answered by child throwing him/herself on the floor and yelling "But I cannnnn't brush my teeth, I can't find my toothbrush/paste" or "I wiiiillllll, laaaaater"! ) I just retort with "Okay, only brush the teeth you want to keep" or "The Tooth Fairy doesn't pay out for rotten teeth". For that, I just get a blank stare, but occasionally I'll get cooperation. Hey, I'll take what I can get!

I ask many, many more questions, but I wouldn't want to get carpal tunnel in my wrists from typing them all out.

I'm going to sign off for now, as I thought I saw the baby stuck on top of Mount Kilimanjaro (a.k.a., the laundry pile) in the hallway.