And the Fun Has *Just* Begun...

It's here. Summer vacation. Or should I call it the lazy days of fighting, whining and complaining?

Sorry folks, it is what it is. I am not a fan of summer vacation. I try to be, but really, I just can't...it isn't natural for me! I love school that much. Yes, I do.

So as not to trivialize all that is going on in my world, I will just be blatently honest with you. I am not doing all that well. I am severly depressed. Majorly messed up--some in the head, but mostly in my heart.

I have guilt. Over what? Over feeling like I am grieving. I am grieving. I don't like it. Not one bit. As one misunderstood person told my husband..."she just needs to get over it". Easier said than done. And nobody is walking in my shoes.

I am grieving the loss of the child I expected...but I truly love the child I've been given. It's just a big, and frankly, scary new world I've been thown into. The world of Down syndrome is frightening to me. I also grieve the loss of a nursing relationship with my daughter. It just isn't happening. Yet. Maybe it never will and I don't know if I can be okay with that.

But, I'm not giving up. Yet.

I'm not thrilled about summer. I am not ready to face an entire brood of children while still trying to work out the kinks in my heart. Honesty, again. It isn't always pretty, is it? I'd like to just go to bed and wake up in August.

Zoloft, here I come!

The Sweetness of Life

"In the name, the precious name
of Him who died for me,
I will fight to win a promised crown
Whatever my cross may be."

Faith may be all smiles today, but I am not...my heart is heavy and burdened. I am torn. Confused. Disappointed.

Thank you for your smiles Faith...they are just what your Mama needs!

Lord, come quickly.

Happy One Month Birthday, Faith!

Time sure does fly...

Got Milk?

As tired as I am of doctor's offices, I find myself almost looking forward to Faith's weekly visits to the pediatrician's office for her weight check.

Almost.

I still get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, stemming from worry and the what-ifs...

That being said, ahem, today Faith showed a gain of EIGHT ounces since her last weigh in a week ago! I just about whooped it up right in front of the scale, but I did my best to retain my composure--and I didn't yelp with delight. Funny how excited I was over those 8 ounces! It *is* exciting though...and it made me proud. I look at my daughter's newly rounded toosh and her plumped up arms, legs and cheeks and I think to myself "I did that!"--I feel almost accomplished in the fact that she is thriving on my milk, even though she's getting it in a bottle.

So, the verdict today was 7lbs 10.5oz--up from 7lbs 2oz last week. And the doctor doesn't need to weigh her again for 2 weeks this time!

Mama's milk...does a baby good, no matter how it's delivered!

If You Can't Change Your Life...

Change your hair!

I decided that I'd had enough of my drab,dark-rooted hair and I wanted to treat myself to a change. Highlights and a haircut can do wonders for a girl! I don't think anything can be done about the tired-mom-of-a-newborn-bags under my eyes, but oh well, my hair looks good :)

Speaking of being tired, I am really becoming weary of pumping milk. I've been going strong 24 hours a day for the last month and it is growing old quickly. Especially at midnight, 2am and 4am.

However, I am still holding out hope that Faith will nurse sometime soon, so I will keep up the arduous task of pumping around the clock so that I can be ready when she is.

I am learning more and more, day by day, about Down Syndrome. It scares me. It worries me. It makes my heart palpitate with anxiety.

But, more importantly, I am learning more and more just how precious Faith is. I don't look at her as 'my baby with Down Syndrome'--I just look at her as my sweet baby.

I see her through God's eyes. Just as she is.

Period.

Just for Cuteness Sake

She's finally tipping the scales at a whole 7lbs 2 oz...go Faith! You're headed in the right direction :)

From the Heart

Cardiologists make me nervous.

Thankfully, they don't seem to have that effect on Faith...


Having an EKG--being swallowed up by all the leads!


Okay, maybe she's a teeny bit nervous here having her blood pressure taken...

After 3 l.o.n.g. hours in the pediatric cardiology office, Faith was given a diagnosis of having a Patent Foramen Ovale. A patent foramen ovale (PFO) is a defect in the septum (wall) between the two upper (atrial) chambers of the heart. Specifically, the defect is an incomplete closure of the atrial septum that results in the creation of a flap or a valve-like opening in the atrial septal wall.

Long story short, it may or may not close up on it's own--Faith will be further monitored to determine what, if anything needs to happen as far as intervention/treatment. But, what she doesn't have is any of the major heart defects that afflict upwards of 50% of babies with Down Syndrome. (WHEW!!) We are thankful she is in the *other* 50%.

I am slowly adjusting to the reality that my child has Down Syndrome and all that will mean to her, and to us as a family. Someone at MOPS this past week told me that *I* was the one that was special...because God thought it appropriate to send me such an angel :)