I Want A Refund

I am having a hard day. Actually, it's my oldest son that is having a hard day. But, we all know when the kid is having a hard go of it, the mama is too... I am SO having to hold myself back (with a valiant effort) from wringing his neck and wrapping his disrespectful tongue around the fence post outside. That sounded kind of harsh, didn't it? Yes, it has been that kind of day.

It's the kind of day where I long for the sun to go down and the eyes (of the children) to get heavy... I would never survive this parenthood thing if there wasn't the gift of sleep. And I don't think the kids would survive their childhood either.

I drug myself into the doctor's office today. I am finally insured after almost 2 years. I am having a physical on Monday, so I went in to have my preliminary blood work done before I actually see the doctor. I swear there is something wrong with me. My hair is falling out, my wrists and fingers are numb almost all the time, I can't lose weight no matter how hard I try and I am SO DARN tired ALL the time. There is a host of other symptoms that I have to complain about, but I won't air them here. I'll save that for my appointment with the OB, which I have scheduled for Wednesday :) Knowing my luck, I'll be perfectly healthy and won't be able to blame my thyroid or something for my spare tire and fluffy thighs.

I'm going to sign off...I have to finish cleaning my house for the Homemade Gourmet show I am hosting tomorrow. I've been cleaning for weeks, but not actually accomplishing much since the kids come along behind me and undo everything leaving a path of destruction and dirt.

Candy Hangover

Yup, it happens every year. The dreaded candy hangover. And it's not even the kids, it's me! I can't seem to control myself around the piles and piles of candy that the kids score on Halloween. The almond joys and mini twix seem to get me every time. I'm really good about setting a limit on the amount that the kids can have, but I always go over my limit! And every year I tell myself that I won't do that again. Luckily, with all of the candy being of the mini size, I only ate the equivalent of 2 (or maybe 3) full size candy bars... I think that I am making up for some lost time, since I never got to go trick-or-treating as a kid :)

The kids had a blast last night. The older 3 dressed up as 'vampire-zombies' (their word for it , not mine). Basically, they had whitish-gray faces with vampire teeth. I painted a black nose and whiskers on G so she could be the kitty she wanted to be, and little S just went as himself because he would have nothing to do with having paint on his face. He was a little confused as to why we were going house to house, but once he realized that if he said 'trick or treat' he would get candy plopped into his bucket, he was all for it! He was so cute saying 'fwick er feet'! And he always followed up with a thank you so sweet it would melt my heart. The only catastrophe was when he fell running down the side walk and all of his candy went flying out of his bucket. Tears were shed, but a sucker made it all better. After the sucker, his little hands were so sticky that he couldn't have dropped his bucket again if he wanted to.

I think I need to go eat some spinach or something so I can redeem myself from all of the sugar in my blood.

The Cry Of My Heart

I've been to many women's retreats over the years with each one being warm and inviting. I would leave there having relaxed a lot, feeling refreshed, somewhat rested, and ready to get back to my life....but still not feeling like I was where I should be after such an event. I felt a lot of disappointment, actually. I would look around at all of the women around me that were praying, worshipping God with all of their heart and showing true joy on their faces and in their beings. I wondered why I didn't have that. Why did I not feel anything spiritual? Why was I not moved by the worship and where were my tears?...why did I not have that joy? I wanted to have what those women had. I longed for it. I thought that surely, there was something wrong with my heart, it was so hardened and stagnant.

I have gone through periods of complete denial of God to times where I cried out to Him daily, pleading with Him to help me. To change me. To heal me. I waited, but I did not hear anything....I suppose I wasn't really listening for his quiet and still voice because I didn't really believe that He would show up for me. I felt cut off from any blessing, I only felt cursed and alone. Alone in such a darkness. I have spent the majority of the last 18 years wading in and out of depression and despair....only choosing to petition God out of complete desperation, but believing full well that it was all for not. I did not have a 'relationship' with the Lord, I felt like he was just the Lord of other people, not me. I felt invisible and unworthy of His love.

I was given the opportunity to attend another women's retreat this weekend...although this was called an 'Adventure Weekend'. I went into it not knowing what to expect, other than I would probably get some rest and relaxation and maybe hear a tidbit or two of something that would make me ponder just who this God that everyone talks about really is. I prayed the 'obligatory' prayer beforehand that God would become real to me and would meet me there. I even prayed that I would allow Him to enter into my heart all of the way, not just part of the way. I am really good at keeping Him at an arm's length away...the faith just has not been there. I had hope, but only a little, that maybe, just maybe I would walk away from there with some of what everyone else seems to have....faith, peace, joy.

When I arrived at the retreat center, I knew that this was no ordinary retreat and I was a bit worried. There were women in purple shirts everywhere...and on the back of those shirts, it read J E H O V A H and the verse in Psalms that says ' Everlasting to everlasting, you are God...' Honestly, when I saw the word Jehovah, I cringed a little and squirmed in my seat. I grew up in the beliefs of the Jehovah's Witnesses, and the "Jehovah" that I knew was not a loving and approachable God. He was a God that I feared and avoided. Still, I tried to push those insecurities aside and have hope that 'this' would be the retreat where I figured out how to get what I wanted...joy!

God pierced my heart and broke it very early in the weekend. He knows how stubborn I am and He knew He needed me broken right away, so that the time would not run out. My cry was answered and He met me there! My hard heart was broken and softened. I laid down my pain at the foot of the cross. I laid down my unforgivness, resent and bitterness over many areas of my life. I pleaded with God to give me a new love for my husband. He gave me back the love I had for him when we first married...only deeper. Those burdens are no longer mine to carry...they are God's and He can handle them so much better than I! The name Jehovah has a new and precious meaning to me. While hearing the testimonies spoken, I caught a glimpse of the pain that I have caused my children by living in anger and not loving them the way that I should. I also caught a glimpse of what could become of them if I continue down the path that I am on. I saw pain that could be theirs when they are grown. Pain that I don't want to be the cause of. I saw the importance of a savior.

The pain that has ripped valleys in my heart has been replaced with joy...the holes have been covered and filled with Him and His love for me! I am truly a daughter of the King and HE loves ME!

I know it will take a lot of prayer and work on my part to not pick up again the things that I laid down. They are not my burdens anymore, but only I can choose whether I scoop them up and carry them again. I do not want my God to have died for nothing... He carries them...who am I to say that I will carry them?

A bamboo shoot takes 30 years to form it's roots before emerging out of the dirt with a little sprout. Once the sprout makes it through that dirt, it grows inches a day! I am much like that bamboo shoot...it's taken me 33 years to grasp the enormity and majesty of the God that longs to be mine. But, now that I have broken through the surface, I will grow in Him and be able to reach for the light that He provides.

I am free!

Lucky 7

7 years ago today, little Josh made his way into the world by way of his screaming mom. He came flying into this world 2 weeks early, tipping the scales at nearly 9 pounds. Even the doctor was amazed at how big he was for being early. Not me. I knew he was big even before he was born. In fact, two days before his birth, the OB was feeling my belly to see if she could estimate his size. She said "Oh, I think he's pretty small...maybe 6 pounds". Ha. I could feel that baby move from the tips of my toes to the top of my head he was so big. I swear my entire being shook when he kicked! Even my stretch marks were at their breaking point. They were so taut they bled. Seriously! I thought I was going to deliver a moose by bursting at the seams. It's no wonder that I howled and screamed without any control while delivering him. Not only was he a moose, my epidural failed and I felt every bit if it. Ouch.

Happy birthday to my sweet boy. Your Mama loves you. Stretch marks and all :)


The Jack-O-Lantern cake


Making a wish!

Is It My Birthday Yet Mom?

I think I have heard those words at least once a day for somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 months now. My sweet little J is turning 7. Tomorrow. He asked me today if his birthday was in 4 more days. When I told him that it was tomorrow his eyes lit up like sparklers on the 4th of July, and he yelped "IT IS? WOW"! He thinks that I have some grand party planned with games and party favors and friends. Tons of friends. I've had to remind him over and over, that no darling, it's just family. No streamers, balloons or games of pin the tail on the donkey. Hopefully, he isn't horribly disappointed in me. I gave up on big birthday parties when they started to cost more than I paid in insurance premiums for my pregnancies and births. I am making his cake though. No store bought cakes here. This year, he figured out that his birthday is quite near Halloween, so he chose a 'cupcake' cake shaped like a pumpkin. In other words, the cake is comprised of 24 cupcakes arranged into the shape of a jack-o-lantern and then frosted and decorated. And hey, I'm not even using frosting out of the can! That should score me a few points, I hope.

I always get overcome with nostalgia around the kids birthdays. Since I had my labors induced, I always remember what I was doing the night before heading to the hospital for the big day. Usually it was cleaning like a mad woman and getting all of the other kids prepared to spend a few days without me. We even have the mandatory picture of all of the older siblings patting my enormous belly and maybe even giving it a kiss or two. I still am in complete denial that J is going to be 7 years old. Heck if I know how that happened. It's true, you can't even blink, because if you do, you'll open your eyes and another year (or 2 or 3) have passed and the kids have grown right before your eyes. It's amazing to me how quickly the kids are growing up! I realized that the other night when E brought home a form from the school for me and his dad to sign. It was a permission slip for him to participate in a sex ed course coming up in December. I shuttered a bit when I read what they would be going over in I'm hoping not great detail. Oh boy...treading new waters here.

And now I really feel old.

I Thought Eye-Rolling Only Came With Teenagers

I swear, if he rolls his eyes at me one more time.... E is *very* into eye-rolling. All the time. I can't even get through a conversation ( a one-sided conversation at that) with him without his eyes fluttering back in his head 3 or 4 times. I was 11 once,(eons ago) and I seriously don't remember having an attitude like my 11 year old has. I know I sported a major tude' in my teen years, but 11? By the time he is actually a teen, his eyes might be stuck in the rolled up position. That will teach him, right?

The other night, I was watching home videos from when E was just a little guy. He was SO sweet. He was kissing and hugging his brothers and me. His eyes sparkled and his smile gleamed. I burst into tears just wondering where that sweetness went, and why? His eyes don't sparkle anymore (they just roll) and his smile isn't gleaming. It's a snarl most of the time. From what I hear from other moms of 'tweenagers', it's perfectly normal. That might be true, but it still gives me a pain in my heart.

Moving on....

The kids went back to school yesterday after having 2 weeks off. I heard the heavenly trumpets sound and the angels sing when I walked, er, ran to the car after dropping them off. Oddly enough though, the silence at home was LOUD, if you know what I mean. I missed them. Sort of.

The weekend will be here fast enough for me to long for the school bell again, though. No worries.

No Mama, I'm Talking To My Brain

My daughter likes to have lengthy conversations. When I respond to whatever question she is asking, I usually get this: "Shhhhh Mama! I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my brain". But, if I don't respond (because I figure she's talking to her brain again) I get a stern "Maaaama! You're not listening to me"! Well, excuse me. For the life of me, sometimes I just can't figure the girl out. I especially couldn't figure her out today in the store when she was flipping out and carrying on about wanting a purse and some shoes and a make-up kit.(the kid is only 3!) She is so not like me. I am not into purses and make-up and shoes. Yes, I carry a purse because I have to. Yes, I wear make-up because I have to, trust me. I even wear shoes, because yes, I have to. But, my daughter however, wants these things because she thinks they are fun and pretty...not a necessity. If she didn't look just like I did as a child, I'd wonder if she's even mine.

R is back. And he'll be back for at least the next week. I was SO relieved to find that out. He'll be working crazy hours, but at least he's not in a different city. I was looking forward to letting him get up with the baby during the night, but the baby chose last night to sleep the whole night through. He even slept in until 7:30am which around here is pretty much unheard of.

Go figure.

I'm going to sign off for now...gotta play catch up with stuff around the house. I have two suitcases of dirty clothes to wash from R and E being gone. I need to make my weekly meal plan and grocery list. I need to sweep the floor. I need to blah, blah, blah...

There's always tomorrow, right?