'I don't got a belly button'

As I sit in the basement contemplating what I should shove off on this blog tonight, I hear the giggles of 2 of my boys singing a very enchanted song with lyrics including "I don't got a belly button" and then it's just a bunch of gibberish mixed in with the laughter...and a few ah ha's thrown in there as well. As amusing as it is to me, R just sits there with an angry face and an even more angry tone to his tired voice. I'm not quite clear what his issue is tonight, as I thought we actually had a pretty good day together. His attitude is really disheartening to say the least. It snuffs out the tiniest bit of hope that I may have felt today. Such is the story of my life these days.

It's funny (or not so much) how contagious anger is and how fast it spreads. It spreads faster than it can be stopped, that's for sure. I thought I was in a pretty good mood tonight as I had dinner with a friend and was able to vent to her and not feel judged...but then I had to come home to the house under siege by R. I guess it's fair to say that it's under siege by an 11 year old boy who seems to control the emotions of his 38 year old father as well.

I think instead of trying to break down the thick walls between R and I, we actually add on a layer of brick and mortar most days. Sometimes even 2 or 3 layers get put on...those are the days when even the house itself seems to sigh with relief when night falls and everyone sleeps. Those are also the days when I feel defeated the most. Defeat doesn't come in a nice and pretty package, it comes with gut-wrenching guilt that another day has gone by without any resolution to our seemingly impossible situation.

Why is it when I most want and need the answers and guidance from my heavenly Father, He seems so unreachable? Almost like the whole God/relationship/salvation thing is something that everyone else can attain, but for me, it's held just out of my reach...and every time I try harder to press into Him, He runs from me. Now I know that isn't the way it is, but like I've said before, I am just trying to make sense of all this gobbledygook and find my way around the murky waters of this thing called marriage and life. Oh, and parenthood too. Let's hope I can find the way before I run out of air...

Mass Confusion

I'm at a crossroad.

I am so confused. I am torn. Torn between giving up on my 14 year relationship with R because the pain is too much to bear, or trudging on and pushing through the pain and making things work. I married this man for a reason. I loved him dearly and with all my heart. I had such hopes and dreams for us. I had imagined us to always be happy and in love with each other. The big, happy family that I dreamed about is not playing out the way it's supposed to.


What I didn't bargain for was this darkness that has overcome us. Not only has it covered R and I, it has covered our children as well. I also didn't bargain for the fact that I am married to an addict. We are living in a literal hell day in and day out. There is no relief. Maybe it's a self-imposed hell, and maybe it's not as bad as I am making it out to be in my own head? I have questioned my own sanity at times! I feel like I am grieving. Grieving the loss of my dream of a picture-perfect marriage and family. I am grieving that I have failed in that. I am grieving that R has failed me. I am grieving that fact that I may not get to see my longing for another child come true.


Although I am ashamed to admit it, just the other night (Sunday night) I sank to a new low and seriously contemplated ending it all. I poured A LOT of alcohol and A LOT pills and almost drowned my massive pain in it all. Sometimes the hurt is just so bad I want it to stop, you know what I mean? I drank the alcohol, but could not take the pills. Seriously, I would not have gone through with it, but the temptation was so very strong. Besides, I do have a bit of a nursing background, and what I had would not have killed me, it just would have pickled my kidneys and left me on dialysis the rest of my life :) All joking aside, never would I put my children and family through the agony something done out of a moment of despair.

I contacted an attorney yesterday. A divorce attorney. I filled out the paperwork. I got a case number. I cried. Then, as quickly as I had done all of that, I changed my mind and couldn't go the next step. As of Sunday night, I was certain that I was going to take the plunge and file. I was so sick of the pain and the fighting and the downright violence...I was ready. Then, he came home and said he was sorry for it all. Again. He said he loves me and wants it to work. He cried. His show of any emotion besides anger, said a lot to me. He's always been void of showing any kind of emotion. Maybe he truly is remorseful? Maybe he really has changed? I find it hard to hold onto the hope that he has, until he makes a few more steps and gets some help. He is holding back on taking that giant (to him) step. I need him to RUN to get help...instead he is dawdling his way though not admitting that he needs it. That's the frustrating part. I've told him that in order for us to build trust again, he needs to go to a counselor and really dig deep. His soul is so full of junk and pain, but he refuses to stir it up for fear of what really lurks there.

So, for now, I am trying to maintain my mind and my marriage. If ever there was a God, may He show His mighty powers now.

Never Did I Dream

Most people, I suppose, look forward to the weekends...a time to relax and unwind from the busyness of the week. Me? I d r e a d the weekends as it begins my 56+ hours of hell. From the time I get up on Friday mornings, I can count on not getting any appreciable sleep until Sunday night! Not to mention, as soon as I get home from work at 8am Saturday mornings, R leaves as soon as I walk through the door to work himself....leaving my weary head in charge of 5 kids--alone. ALL day. And then I return to work Saturday night as well (taking the kids with me until R can pick them up). Honestly, it's not the best of situations!

Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I HATE IT! I hate what/who I am becoming due to sheer exhaustion. I feel like I am constantly complaining about 'having to work'-- I know that plenty of women do work--but my heart is so not in it. I was a stay-at-home mom for 10 years before having to work out of necessity. That's another sore spot in my book of complaints. I long for the days where I can just concentrate on the job of being mom, and not all this other crap.

Ugh. Signing off....until next time. I've got nothing else of any worth to say.

Up The Ante, Boys

What a terrible day this started out to be, only for once, it wasn't me who started it! R went down to wake C and J up early as they had failed to do what they needed to do before bedtime. C screamed at R for waking him up before his alarm, and it all went downhill from there. Instantly, R turned into a big buffoon and anger permeated the house...once again. (I couldn't wait for 7:30 to come, so he would leave)

To top it all off, the kids engaged in World War 3000 (they've already had wars 3-2,999). J took it upon himself to shoot E with an air soft pistol because (of course) E made him angry by teasing him. Whoa! Did that tick E off, and bad! First, he ran upstairs to me to tell me what happened, and before I could tell him I was proud of him for not retaliating and killing J for what he did, he shot off like a bat outta hell down to J's room where he TORE into the poor kid. Apparently, E shoved over a big dry erase board easel (with the intent to hurt J, I'm sure) and it landed on J's little foot. So, tears poured out of J and anger seethed out of E...and now J is sporting a very bruised and swollen left foot.

The ride to school was pure hell. I could hardly get myself back into the car after signing G into class before the hot tears began to stream down my cheeks. I sobbed all the way home. When I opened the door to our home to come in, it didn't even feel right, if that makes any sense at all. I swear we must have demons living in the walls that are preying on my children day and night. Scary stuff, for sure. My heart just breaks that the children have such a disdain for each other. The anger they have and the violence that manifests is getting to be too much. Lord, HELP!

I hate days that start like this, because inevitably they end the same way. However, because I know this, I am determined to NOT let that happen today. I want, need and crave peace in our home and in our hearts. I really don't know how to prevent another episode like this mornings, as it seems no matter how positive I am, they don't care...and it shows.

Lord, I cry out to you to save our family....we are in a terrible place and it seems there is no relief in sight. Please, show your power in a very real way. Heal our torn and ripped hearts and bring restoration to our souls. Show your mighty hand in my marriage and bring forgiveness and release the binding of bitterness and resent in my heart. You are the almighty counselor and heavenly Father...please, rain down your peace and presence in our home and family. Help us to conquer this stronghold of anger and bring joy into our lives again. I thank you for my husband and my children. I thank you that you are faithful to me, even though I turn my back to you more often than not....

And So, It Begins Again

After a blissful 7 hours of not having to deal with fighting and squabbling because it was the first day of school, it begins again. They had to come home sometime :) It actually began on the ride home, of course.

It's 7:20pm now and bedtime is crawling closer and closer. R is still not home and I am beginning to feel the effects of being a Mom!! My impatience is showing...

It was really nice to have the kids back in school today. I found myself looking around the house for G because it was so quiet! I actually forgot a time or two that I dropped her off at school too! I find it hard to believe that my little girl is old enough for preschool. Her teacher told me that she had a great day--even though she did get a little bit of the 'giggles'.

I wish that I had accomplished more over the summer with the kids...wishing I had had more fun with them, rather than just sending them out to play. Wishing I had yelled less and loved more. I am glad that the summer has ended, but as usual, it didn't go as I had hoped.

On a more positive note, R has finally made some sales! He sold 2 cars in 2 days. Yippee! I think that it has given him the confidence boost that he needed...he was getting very down from not having even one sale in his first month. He told me last night that one of the other dealers told him that they had placed bets on him that he would quit within 2 months and that they really thought he'd give up.(and still do!) So much for having the support of your co-workers, huh? I guess in the land of car sales, it's every man for himself. Deep down, I know that R will make it...and be successful. It's the worry-wart side in me that has the doubts. He's always provided for us, and we have never gone without what we need, so why do I worry? R took this job in the hopes that I would eventually be able to quit my night job and be a full time stay-at-home mom again. I do respect him for that, and if he can't have the support of even his co-workers, he needs the support from his wife, right?

Signing off....the battles have begun in earnest again, and I've got lunches to pack and teeth to brush!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off To Work I Go...

Can I just say it again? I am SO tired!! I feel out of control in every sense. My emotions are all over the place(mainly anger) , I am eating like a starved lunatic,and my eyes burn like fire...

Never again will I volunteer for 2 extra night shifts in one week. (Duh!) I only took the extra shifts so that I could pay for school fees and supplies without going into debt over it.

I got a pretty good break from the kids today. My Dad took the older 3, and my Mom and step-Dad took G. It was just me and S....so quiet! I tried to sleep, but only got in about an hour and 1/2 of a 'nap'. It was one of those kinds of sleep where your eyes are closed, but your mind will totally not shut off! Still, it was a nice to have a little peace and quiet, if only to watch my little cherub sleep :)

In an hour from now, I'll be leaving again for one more shift...then I'm off for 5 nights.
Whew...

Is It Bedtime Yet?

I really want bedtime to get here. Quickly. And I want to skip all of the stuff between now and bedtime too. Alas, I still have to prepare dinner, clean up after preparing said dinner, give baths, clean up the tidal waves after giving said baths...and so on and so on. It's the life of a mom :) I wouldn't so much mind it today, but I worked a 10 hour shift last night (until 7:30 this morning) so my eyelids are heavy and my head is in a fog. At least I get to sleep in my own bed for one glorious night before I work again three nights in a row. The things us Moms do to keep the kids fed and clothed, huh?

It's blazing hot outside today, so I am VERY thankful for our central air. I had forgotten just how hot it was until I stepped outside sans shoes and my feet nearly melted on the concrete! It seems almost wrong that school is starting in a mere 5 days, being that it is so hot, but who am I to complain?? (Jumping for JOY that school is starting in 5 days!!)

I'm going to sign off for now...I have 2 boys battling at my feet for ownership of the beloved computer.