It's Like The Blind Leading The Blind

That's what parenting feels like to me these days. I have no clue what to do when the kids are punching and slapping each other silly. I have no idea what to do when they continue to run through the house like bulls even though I have told them to stop 100 times already. I'm at a loss here...and it's not good. I know what I want to do, and that's to yell. I have learned however, that when I yell, the kids shut down and tune me out. That's the exasperating thing...I get frustrated and angry, so I yell. They tune me out. I get even more frustrated and yell even more. They tune me out. Sensing a theme here?

You know, I wasn't prepared for this parenting stuff. That being said, I don't think it's something you really can prepare for...each child and situation are different--there's no way you can prepare for that :)

If I had to do it all over again, knowing then what I know now...

Anyway, onto a different subject--on the early morning drive to school on Friday, Eli said something to me that made me stare myself down in the mirror. It was the only thing he said to me the whole way there...he said " Mom, you've got a mustache"! If he did say anything after that, I didn't hear it because I was too busy looking at myself in the rear view mirror to see if indeed I did have a mustache. I'll just say that I now own a home waxing kit. (ouch!)
Enough said.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

When it rains, it pours. And it seems like it's always raining at our house.

I took an elated Eli in to see an ear specialist today. (he was elated because he got to miss a half day of school) Eli was first seen by an audiologist so he could have a hearing test. I knew pretty much right away that he had bombed the test when the audiologist kept shaking her head with a concerned look on her face. Unfortunately, it was confirmed that his hearing has gone from so-so passable, to downright bad. (in other words, from mild to severe loss) He also had what is called a 'Type C' tympanogram, meaning he has negative pressure in his ears causing his eardrums to retract. You know how your ears feel when you go up in altitude...they feel like they need to pop? Well, Eli's ears are 'stuck' that way.

A CT scan was ordered to 'sort out' possible reasons for his continued hearing loss, (tumor of the inner ear , you know, non-scary things like that! ) and his fifth ear surgery is in the works to be scheduled as well. Being the worry wart that I am, I now have a stomachache :(

Maybe with all of the digging around to be done in Eli's head, a reason will be found for his less than stellar behavior as of late....wishful thinking, no?

Humility

I had one of 'those' days this past Sunday. It started off with a bang with Eli tantruming like a toddler, and it continued that way all day. Anyway, at one point, the stress became too much for me to bear....so, I left. I ran out the front door sans make-up, sans coat and sans sanity. I jumped in the VW and hit the road, leaving skid marks on the pavement, I'm sure. I also left behind 5 crying, terrified children...afraid they had lost their mother. Nope, their mother just lost her mind for a moment or two thousand and twenty three.

As I burned rubber flying up the street, tears streamed down my bare face, pooling in my lap. Words that would make a nun go deaf exploded from my mouth, as did screams of agony and defeat. I shamefully admit that the curses and screams were directed specifically at God. I yelled at Him so harshly that I thought my carotid artery would dissect itself right then and there. Seriously, my throat burned and my vision was dimmed with the intensity of my gutteral screams. I blurted out things to God that I am too ashamed to admit. The rage and disappointment I felt was so strong...I could not even begin to stifle it.

My ringing cell phone jolted me back to reality, but I didn't answer it. I knew it was the kids calling to beg me to come home. I didn't want to go home, I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to just leave it all behind and never look back. But, my heart of hearts, knows what is right. My tears ceased and I quieted myself to listen to the worship music that was playing on the radio. As soon as I could think clearly, I again, blurted things out loud to God. Only this time, I wasn't yelling at Him, nor cursing Him...I apologized to Him for all of the things that I had said in my anger. I admitted defeat, asking (begging) Him to bring His peace and let it settle upon me. I made sure to mention that I didn't mean the things I said to Him ( I didn't) and asked His forgiveness. As much as I know that my God is not a spiteful and revengeful God, deep down I feared what could happen in my life because of my hatefulness to Him.

You know what? God did forgive me and He will always forgive me. He showed up the very next day in a phone call from Roy telling me that he had just gotten a very big promotion at work. As soon as the words fell from Roy's lips, I shuttered inside thinking about my actions the day before. I stood there in the middle of the kitchen humbled inside, in awe of what God was putting into motion for us, despite myself.

Humility is a very good thing.

Oh, Give Me A Break

I'm pretty sure that when I went to school, there were less syllables in words than there are now. As a matter of fact, I have become privy to a whole new language, courtesy of my kids. On the way home from work the other night, I checked my voicemail and got the most annoying message I think I have ever heard. At first, I thought it was a screeching animal or someones nails on a chalkboard...then I realized it was neither of those things, it was Eli.

"MOOOOOMMM!! Dad won't let me watch the movie! He says I HAVE to do my hoooomeework FIIIIRRRRSSSSST! It's not Faiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaiiiiiiiir!" Lord of lords, I had to hit the delete button before the message was even finished, I couldn't stand to hear another word of it. Besides, hours had elapsed since Eli had left me the message...I'm sure the crisis was over anyway.

I have to admit, I hear SO much whining and fit-throwing that I have become almost calloused. I have a tolerance for whining that lasts about as long as it takes for the whine to spill out of the whinees mouth. Not very long at all. Ew.

Eh, maybe I'm just having a bad day.... I just wanna go to bed and not have to clean the house and do more laundry. It's not faiiiiiaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiirr!

Bittersweet

Today my baby turned 2. Today is also the 4th anniversary of the day my brother Paul, died.

I still mourn the loss of Paul, but the wonderful thing is, I can still celebrate life! Life goes on even when things are horrible, terrible and rotten. I'll never quite understand why my brother's life ended so soon, nor why things worked out the way they did and Sam was born on that day, but there is always a plan, a reason. Our lives are orchestrated by one that is mighty and powerful.

So, to my sweet, precious, darling little boy...Happy 2nd Birthday! Sam's birth was a joyous moment that quickly turned to terror when it was determined that he was so ill. He was strangled by his umbilical cord, the very thing that provided him a lifeline while in the womb, was unfortunately the thing that nearly took his life as well. Praise GOD that my sweet one survived his rocky start. I am forever grateful to the wonderful doctors and nurses that kept watch over my son as he was struggling on life support, a ventilator breathing for him. He was kept in an medically induced comatose state for nearly a week...and I didn't even get to hold him until he was 4 days old. Looking back on it now, it takes my breath away...

Happy birthday to my happy boy. I love you, Sam!